fragmented kaleidoscopy

One thing I learned today

2011-09-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

There is one profound lesson that I learned today: Do not overpamper the ones you loves and adores

When someone is overpampered, he/she will risk viewing the whole world to be as easy and good as what he/she gets at home, with you around. Unless if you plan to keep him/her with you forever (which we know, will never happen), then he/she is bound to be hurt easier and not finding the way around to fix things.

One thing I observed, when someone is overpampered, he/she tends to laments at the misfortune, wishing for this, wishing for that, thinking how good it would be if, etc etc etc. Lamenting will only echoes the hurt he/she is facing, thus reducing the strengths and efforts that could be used to fix things and thus prolongs it, and this will, again, gives more time for he/she to lament and to be sad again and again.

Everybody needs pampering, but the keyword here is overpampering. Balance is the answer to everything. Too much of a good thing can never be as good as it seems to promise.

A kiss a day is a form of pampering, giving a baby a pacifier when he/she cries is overpampering; hugs are pampering, picking up a crying baby and sings/rocks till the baby quiets down is overpampering; feeding a kid with occasional scrumptious meal is pampering, buying him/her ice cream before meal is overpampering........list goes on and on, you get the drift.

P/s: No, I am not writing this in preparations for being a daddy, (although this will help when the time comes) I am writing this for the sake of writing it down, so my thoughts and observations gets dimensions, I tend to lose track of my thoughts.

Hugs,
Ahtiow

Awesomeness will be the word of the day!

2011-09-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

Yep! Today's gonna be awesomeasome!!!!

Hugs!
Ahtiow

Shitty day

2011-09-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

The day has been shitty. Yet, glad that things that needed to be done gets done. Now all I wanted is to have sleep come calling 5 hrs earlier. I really needs to be in more control of my temper lately.

Ahtiow

So they say:"Video kills the radio star", then what kills a selection of good dishes at a good restaurant that translates into a good meal?

2011-09-13T04:01:00.000-07:00

Bad service, that kills it.

What does a it takes to have a good meal that is not only fulfillling to our tummies, it fuels also our spirits to go through the day, doing the things that we set out to do. And how many steps does a good meal consists of?

Here's my round-up for what I think are the steps to a good meal:

1. You discuss what to eat
2. You weighs the options that you have ( types of food, kinds of restaurants, locations, timing, price range, etc.)
3. You decide on the restaurant
4. Reach the destination
5. Scour the menu from cover to cover (sometimes looking around the restaurant to get a feel of what's good, sometimes you ask the waitress/waiters for chef's recommendations)
6. Discuss with your meal partner
7. Order
8. Wait
9. Starts eating
10. Finish eating

For a foodie like me, I will try to do all the steps above with due diligence and respects to ensure each step will lead and contributes to a good meal.

Provided that all the above steps are all good, although sometimes you may have to compromise on some of the above and not let it affects the overall experience. Then you asks for the bill.

The girl at the counter diverts her attention from your raised hand asking for the bill, she looks to her left, down, at the cashier screen, then back at your still raised hand, without so much of an acknowledgement to you, she asks the other staff on her left to get the bill for you, then she never looks back at you again.

Now, the girl who brings you your bill puts the bill down on the table, saying only how much is the total. You pay her, she calculates your balance in her head, gets your change, dropped the crumpled notes on the table (if you playback the scene in a slow-mo you may argue, theoretically that she was in fact, chucked your change on the table)

Then, you're fucked, just like I did this morning. All the above, the 10 steps, the filled tummy, the recharged spirits, bla bla bla. All gone. Poooffff! Just like that.

The lesson from this? There is no lesson to be learnt from this, only a strengthened determination. And the determination is this: " Our future staff will all be elites that shows these losers of what does it mean to be in service industry, especially in food services! "

Cheers,
Ahtiow

Talk about taking things for granted

2011-09-10T04:02:00.000-07:00

We all have the habit of taking things for granted.

Have been a driver for years but never have once I known how to check the engine oil, water level, tyre pressure and other maintenance stuff. I can give an explanation to these lack of knowledge: I havent been driving consistently for a long enough period of time to know all these stuff. Always been away at uni and work that I only get to drive when I go back home for holiday.

The explanation can be an explanation and also be used as an excuse. As a guy, I do think its humiliating for not knowing cars. But fact is, I don't know much. Yet, I could overcome these by learning more from time to time or even before I acted on checking the engine oil and added the engine oil of the car we are driving now. Luckily we haven't been driving it out since we added the engine oil, or else we could have risked spoiling the engine. Yes, I added too much engine oil cause I mistaken the high level mark to be the other mark on the dip stick (we still havent figure out what the mark is there for!)

And as a result of that, we pissed Liyan's father off. Big time.

Sien.
Tiow

"Not all wanderers are lost"

2011-09-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

A morning call before breakfast that made us stand on our edges. But its no reason to be disappointed or mad. It only brings to point that as easy and/or as good the earlier parts of the endeavor were, for all the more reasons should we not ease up and/or believing that the rest of the journey will be smooth sailing. And for that, we should be ever more vigilant. The real and hard works starts with the phone call.

Come what may, we're making the project works. We'll show the sceptics we're not daydreamers. We knows.

Not all wanderers are lost - J.R.R. Tolkien

Musings for the past weeks

2011-09-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

Every action have an equal and opposite reactions.
Cause and effect.
Fate.
Destiny.

Big words, big meanings, comprehensive yet sometimes hard to comprehend, those words and sentences above. We're all bound by them, believe it or not, like it or not. We all are.

Been contemplating the above for the last few weeks.
Remember there was once when Liyan's dad asked me why did I stay so long at Singapore with a pay of SGD 2k? I know I was going nowhere with the pay I was getting. I did not know how to answer him, I just answered: "My family was there, plus there were some problems going on with some of my family members" Fact is, now that I think of it: I stayed there so that Liyan could start her attachment program at UWS and so that I could mutter enough confidence to start seeing someone. She always says how she hated me for not taking her hand earlier, well, if I took her in earlier, I might still hold back some of me and it will not be the whole me. See, cause and effect, some people liked to think of that as fate, some destiny.

There was a period of time that lasted for more than a month when Liyan finished her study and moved back here while I was still in Singapore, we quarreled so much about me wanting to stay a year more in SG so that I could save up more before I move to China. While we all wanted her to look for a job when she herself couldnt ever picture herself working for others if the job is not something that she really wanted. And all she really wanted was to work on a career that she started her own. The fights were so intense that I never knew I could fight that well and that much. It hurts so much back then. If we did not insisted on both our insistence (me: To stay until I get the bonus, her: Not to settle on any job that she do not really like), I might have moved here earlier, or we could have started something else in Malaysia. If we did any of those, we will not have worked on our current project which is something that we both liked and so excited to work on!

If not for the above, I would not be so mushily holding on to her and pressed my face on her back while she brushes her teeth and I smiled endlessly and she giggled so hard and struggled to finish brushing her teeth. If not for the above, I would not have stayed up and wrote this and you would not be reading this.

So, to all my dear friends who reads this: Cherish the present, be good always for you will not know how it will affect the outcome and when the effects will take place. And do not ever, doesnt matter how much you got hurt, to do or say something to purposely hurt the people who cares for you and whom you cares, for you will double the hurt, says Newton's 3rd Law.

Hugs,
ahtiow

p/s: Luo Er, thanks for the FB chat! You rocks chatrooms!

Yay!!! The long awaited confirmation email!!

2011-08-31T17:18:00.000-07:00

Yay!!!! Have finally got the long awaited (so long that we sometime thinks, without saying it out loud, that we did not get the tender) email that confirms us as the operator for Mr Bean Singapore's outlets in Guangzhou!!

Yes, Mr Bean has been our project for the last few months, they're expanding their operations in China, after the success in Japan.

This is officially the big turning point of my life book's chapters. That marks the transition from me working for my bosses, this time around, I'll be working for my staff! And together we'll introduce a new revolution that will see the everyday scene of the locales having a bubble tea drinks in their hands while walking the street to a Mr Bean drink in their hand and to have them acknowledge the change as being a change for the better!

Am excited much!

Hugs!
Ahtiow

Whew!!!!!

2011-08-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

...in continuation of the last post regarding the waiting for the email:

Received an email from them, and as expected, it is not the email from them that finally tells us that we have been confirmed as their partner here, it is an email that tells us that they are having difficulties getting their raw materials into China. This came as a relief and also as an explanation why there was no words from them for almost 2 weeks since the last meeting we had with them that went well.

Well, guess we'll be waiting for some time more before we can kickstart the plan.

Till then, will tell you guys what we have been working on since I moved here in May. =P

Don't be surprised if I am still 'jobless' when I meet/talk with any of you guys. It's ok to wait, cause its not an easy thing for a foreign company to enter China market. Most important is, it's ok to wait on a project that all of us feels so good working on it and so comfortable with the partners whom we'll be working with.

It's easier to decide, its the wait that's hard.

Am still going strong here! =)

Hugs,
ahtiow

The wait

2011-08-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

Just when things starts to looks as if its gonna happen for real, there gotta be a pause - a period of blackouts where you are put on hold not knowing what to expect. The actions and reactions contradicts the expectations and things that actually do happens.

I need to have an answer soon, the waiting has started to creep on me and I'm starting to question things. Jumbled.

I am now almost always checking my mailbox for a reply from them. No I am not expecting a final yes, I am expecting a mail that shows that I am still in the run as a candidate.

I want to know that the unreplied emails are only to be replied once they have firmed up the next steps for our partnership.

I am not losing it, I am standing on the edge and the pedestal on the edge is not normally wide enough to be comfortable to stand on and its usually windy and wobbly.

I need some distractions, really.

Hugs,
Currently Entrepreneuring Ahtiow

My body, my mind, myself

2010-12-28T06:45:00.000-08:00

......where is it? I miss them. This body and mind I have now does not feels like they belong to me. They're always too tired and stiff. Ahtiow's body and mind should not be like this. No.

Pillar of pillars

2010-10-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know who to trust now. I can't grasp what's happening around me. I can't foresee the immediate road ahead. My mind's a jumble now. A mess.

I have some pillars of which to lean on from time to time. Some given to me, some created by me. The pillar that she is providing is the strongest one for me now. Soon, no matter what I do, most, if not all, shall be together with her, for her. No more me for myself.

The Guardian and The Guarded

Things are very messy as it is now for me, I should not let things grasp the slimmest chance that it can have to mess things up further for me. I can't and I don't want to take shit anymore.

Family's family, friend's are friends, things shall go ahead with me and her in the front, then the formers will have to be put behind for now, at least.

I still care a lot for my family, I will always be. I will always be the son, the youngest brother, the uncle, the me.

Now, I won't expect changes, it will be me making changes from now on.

Hugs,
me

A reminder to self

2010-10-12T22:01:00.001-07:00

"With the moonlight to guide you, feel the joy of being alive, the day that you stop running is the day that you arrive, and the night that you got locked in was the night that you decide, stop chasing shadows just enjoy the ride" - Enjoy the Ride, Morcheeba

- A reminder to self: Life is a continuous process, do what I gotta do for now while constantly be grateful for all the good things thats happening around me. Its ok to be constantly on the run. What's important is to know when to take a breather. Don't stop for too long, procrastinations will get me nowhere. No matter how hard it is, you will stop running once you reach your destination. Keep the destinations in mind and enjoy the roads! By the way, ahtiow, don't forget, you are not alone in all this, you have your other half running with you now! =)

Love,
ahtiow

A retreat to ahtiow cave

2010-08-11T22:25:00.001-07:00

When I strap my helmet on
I'll be long gone
'Cause I've been dying to leave
Yeah, I'll ride the range and hide all my loose change
In my bedroom

'Cause riding a dirtbike down a turnpike
Always takes it's toll on me

I've had just about enough
Of quote, "diamonds in the rough"
Because my backbone is paper thin
Get me out of this cavern
Or I'll cave in

If the bombs go off
The sun will still be shining
Because we've heard it said that every mushroom cloud
Has a silver lining (Though I'm always undermining too deep to know)

Swallow a drop of gravel and blacktop
'Cause the road tastes like wintergreen
The wind and the rain smell of oil and octane
Mixed with stale gasoline

I'll soak up the sound trying to sleep on the wet ground
I'll get ten minutes give-or-take
'Cause I just don't foresee myself getting drowsy
When cold integrity keeps me wide awake
Get me out of this cavern
Or I'll cave in

I'll keep my helmet on just in case my head caves in
'Cause if my thoughts collapse or my framework snaps
It'll make a mess like you wouldn't believe
Tie my handlebars to the stars so I stay on track

And if my intentions stray
I'll wrench them away
Then I'll take my leave and I won't even look back
I won't even look back

12th August 2010

2010-08-11T10:49:00.001-07:00

Been reading my previous few posts, realised how much I have abandoned the blog. And that reminds me of how much I abandoned my feelings inside as well, and the love and promises that I made with myself for her.

Last 2 months has been a fucking roller coaster ride for me and for her. We were thrown everywhere, smacked into everything, sometimes in the same direction, sometimes total opposites, sometimes alone, sometimes we dont even know what was what.

In my efforts to be the strong one for the both of us, I have gave up some other things. And it's only right for me to pull myself back and be the one that she loves.....and in doing so, she too, will be back to her own self, back to be the one that I love (I know, loving someone means to love her no matter what, when and how. Yet, I am not perfect, so, yeah, sometimes I can't stand it when she is not being herself) and need.

Love,
ahtiow

There's something in your eyes, that makes me wanna fall for you

2010-06-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

There's something in your eyes, that makes me wanna fall for you, and fall heads over heels we did. Missing you so much, keep that something in your eyes, this is gonna pass and we're gonna be building our lives together.

The way we want it!

Love you!
Lougong

2010-06-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

I miss my ahchichi so so much!!!!!

you cried my heart out.

2010-06-06T04:37:00.000-07:00

....it was the most heart wrenching cry that I ever heard, and I could not bear to see that sweet little face of yours when you are crying like this, and all the time that you were crying, your hand never left my body and my hands, try as I may to be strong for you, I could not hold my own tears anymore, and we both cried, one silently, the other one out loud.

I never cried like this before, not in the train, not in front of the house, not as sad, not as this. yet, no matter how hard it is for me, one could never fathom how much harder it is for you.

You keep reminding me to take care of myself, to tidy the room, not to cut that deep when I cut my nails, to voice out my frustration if anyone at work is being an ass, and all the small tiny details of my everyday life. You kept asking what will I do when I need someone to talk to, who can I look for to accompany me to JB for my haircut, who will rub my back for me when I couldn't sleep, what can I do when I misses you and a thousand and one what ifs.....all these, while you are crying you heart out. And you cried my heart out too.

I love you like I never loved before and there is much more of your love for me than my love for you.

老婆，我地要坚强啊！！！！

I cried in a hotel room, watching a music video.

2010-06-04T16:43:00.000-07:00

I surprises myself sometime. I actually cried in a hotel room, listening to Alanis's Hand In My Pocket acoustic version video on the 14 inch TV in the room.

It just kind of resonates with the situation that I am in now, being unhappy at this place, working an underpaid job, waiting for the time for me to actually leave and start working for our own.

Yet, the chorus always reminds me of the very old chinese saying "The ship will straightens itself upon reaching the bridge".

And now, I should make the decision when to leave here and start tying all the loose ends.

Love,
ahtiow

我和以前不一样了。。。。。

2010-05-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

Saw this on my favorite nephew's FB profile. It is just too sad

.

Behind all those smirks and smiles, we can only guess how broken he is inside.

He may probably not able to walk and run like a perfectly normal person, but hope that's just that. That everything else will and can still 回到以前一样。

Love,
ahku

J.O.Y.

2010-05-22T00:41:00.000-07:00

joy
–noun
1.the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation:
2.a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated
3.the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4.a state of happiness or felicity.

You are simply the definition of joy.

Examplified.

Love,
me

From me to you.

2010-05-10T05:43:00.000-07:00

I just keep on telling you the things that you didnt wanna hear, you told me before that you dont want to hear them, but I still keep repeating them, as if with each repetitions, you will be able to grasp a little bit more of what I am feeling deep inside of me. But instead of keep telling those things that you hate to hear, I should really keep reminding myself that if hurts you so much everytime I say those things. Maybe I should grasp more of how hurtful the stabbing that I caused in your chest every time I do those things rather than hoping you could grasp the worst fear that I have inside of me.

I have all your supports and faith, it should be enough for me. I know that, and I thank you for that.

But, I don't have anything for you. And I hate myself for that.

Everytime that you cry, you melts everything within me. You made everything stop and the world listens to you and you only. Your mumbles, even when most of them are undecipherable, they only say one thing out loud: "我需要我老公！！！！！！“

I know I don't say them often enough, but it's true, I need you as much as you need me.

Everytime I am lost, you guide me back to our paths.

Everytime I float, you bring me back to the ground.

Everytime I stoop, you hold my head up and straightens my shoulder.

I know I shouldn't say this, but I will say it once only, "Sometimes you make me feel like I don't deserve you......"

There, I said it, and I am slapping myself for writing it down. The only reason that I wrote that down is to remind me that instead of thinking of the things that my man-ego demands me to think, I should constantly tell myself that I should make things works out the best for us both.

And I shall make you happy. As happy as you were when we first met.

Then, and only then, we will be back to our honeymoon period.

I love you,

Lougong.

a day in my life.....I feel sad.

2010-05-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

Was waiting for the bus this morning, with Portishead's Roads on the headphone, with Beth singing: "How can it feel, this wrong, at this moment, how can it feel this wrong?"....the 2 old ladies, easily over 70 yrs old, were talking in front of me, one with the mouth almost always open, talking.....was thinking to myself: "....even if I take off my headphone now, I dont think they will be talking some good things, it will most probably about works and the unhappy things of living in a city....", then the other old man, standing a few steps away from them, who seems to me to be breathing through his mouth only, for his mouth was always opening and closing in a regular rhythm in sync with his chest expansion, then I realise that his breathing is twice as fast as my breathing......this is the man that I don't like to sit behind of in the bus, because he constantly have this phlegm in his throat and it is not pleasant at all to listen to some old man sitting in front swallowing his phlegm early in the morning, on his way to work.

......how can it feel, this wrong, at this moment........?

Fuck this, telling myself to convince myself that I still have my reasons to be here.....that the time will come when I will find myself being in where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do, with someone who shares the same sense of contentment of being at the same place as me.......then I wont wake up with the perpetual backache, then I will wake up with a bang, cant wait for the day to unfold itself, come what may, and I will sleep with a sense of belonging.......

Then I switched song, played Edwina Hayes' Feels Like Home for 2 times, then played Alanis Morisette's Hands In My Pocket, repeated 3 times.

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...

The day will come, ahtiow, they will come, it is not really that bad......cheer up, and get your ass to work!

ahtiow

Ahtiow minus Photograhy = ??

2010-04-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

If photography is to be taken away from me, will I still be the same me as I am today ? Will my circle of friends be the same as it is now? Will some people still pose for me as they did if the photos that I take of them are not as what I have taken before?

ahtiow

Why I like to talk to my select few besties

2010-02-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

Thanks Toots!!!

Grins!!
toots

Dreams

2010-02-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

Dreams are what makes you push hard at things that you are doing. Dreams are what makes you swallow the blood in your mouth and fight on. Dreams are what makes you wake up in the morning with a smile and cant wait for the day to unfold. Dreams are what helps you sleep at night with a pat on the shoulder to tell yourself that you have done well in the span of one day. Dreams helps you shrug off the shit that comes in your life and smile at the people who brings you those shit. Dreams are what differentiates you from being a living human being or a breathing human being.

What happens when you are not sure what your dream is anymore?

me.

自私的心声

2010-01-19T17:30:00.000-08:00

因为我知道你是个容易担心的小孩子
所以我将线交你手中却也不敢飞得太远
不管我随著风飞翔到云间我希望你能看得见
就算我偶尔会贪玩迷了路也知道你在等著我
我是一个贪玩又自由的风筝每天都会让你担忧
如果有一天迷失风中要如何回到你身边
因为我知道你是个容易担心的小孩子
所以我会在乌云来时轻轻滑落在你怀中

我是一个贪玩又自由的风筝每天都会让你担忧
如果有一天迷失风雨中要如何回到你身边
贪玩又自由的风筝每天都游戏在天空
如果有一天扯断了线你是否会回来寻找我
如果有一天迷失风中带我回到你的怀中
因为我知道你是个容易担心的小孩子
所以我在飞翔的时候却也不敢飞得太远

love,
LG

Coincidence?

2010-01-17T17:41:00.001-08:00

Just right after last night's heavy discussion of what we both see of the future that we want and forgetting the past and stuff, got a fortune cookie from a colleague whom I am not so close with that has this message hidden in the cookie that reads : " Prepare yourself from now to encounter future changes in life."

Is this a coincidence or what?

ahtiow

Hello!! Hello!!!

2010-01-13T17:13:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!! Miss me?

If you do, here's a short paragraph from a book I'm reading. It's a good read! =)

" We have this photograph, all of us together," the Reb says. "Whenever I feel the spirit of death hovering, I look at that picture, the whole family smiling at the camera. And I say, 'Al, you done okay.
"'This is your immortality.'" - Have A Little Faith, Mitch Albom

ahtiow

errr.........ummm.............oh well........

2010-01-01T17:15:00.000-08:00

so, christmas was here and passed. new year was here and we're a decade into the 2000, and so.....errr...........then........ahtiow got interrupted while blogging and he didnt know what to write anymore........

you can easily tell from their eyes and body movement when someone wanted to talk work with you when they know that you are not ready to start work.......=P

anyway, happy new year guys, for all of you who have made any resolutions, work hard on keeping the resolutions, (resolutions are always good ones rite? and its always good to keep working hard on something), for those who didnt, well, still gotta work hard for the better rite?

Cheers!
ahtiow

A random story

2009-12-26T05:20:00.000-08:00

Came across this article from a book I am reading now. It has been circulating on the net for some time now.

Once there was a bad tempered little boy, who was dreadfully stubborn, flying constantly into rages, smashing and hitting things. One day, his father took the child by the hand and led him to the fence at the back of their garden, saying: "Son, from now on, every time you lose your temper at home,knock a nail into the fence. Then after a while you can see how many times you've lost your temper, all right?". The child thought, 'What's to be afraid of? I'll give it a try'. After that, every time he threw a tantrum, he knocked a nail into the fence, and when he came a day later to look, he felt a it embarrassed: 'Oh! All those nails! Heaps of them!'

His father said: "Do you see? You have to control yourself. If you manage not to lose your temper for a whole day, you can pull out one of the nails from the fence." The boy thought, If I lose my temper once then I have to hammer in a nail, but I have to go for a whole day without losing my temper before I can pull one out - that's really difficult! And yet, to get rid of the nails, he had to keep himself constantly under control.

At the start, the boy found it terribly difficult, but by the time he had pulled all the nails out of the fence, he suddenly realized that he had learned how to control himself. He went happily to his father, saying: "Daddy, quick come and look , there are no more nails in the fence, and I don't lose my temper any more!"

The father went with the boy to stand next to the fence, and said in a voice full of significance: "Look, son, the nails in the fence have all been pulled out, but the holes will stay there for ever. Every time you lose your temper with your family, it drives a hole into their hearts. But you can never make the hole disappear.

Personally, I don't like how the story end. I would have end it with this:

The father went with the boy to stand next to the fence, and said in a voice full of significance: "Look, son, the nails in the fence have all been pulled out, but the holes will stay there for ever. Every time you lose your temper with your family, it drives a hole into their hearts. Yet, in the end of the day, the fence will still stand here for you. "

sudden.

2009-12-20T05:05:00.000-08:00

Am having the random bout of anxiety again this afternoon. It just come out of the blue just like that. Sometimes you may try to think of the reason why. Was it the thought of that someone who is ill? Was it the thought that the someone whom you wish to be more loving of herself is not doing what you hoped against hope that she does? Was it the thought of you yourself being in the midst of all this and yet cant do anything much? Was it the thought of how amazing she is and just how much the whole family loves her and that I may be being unfair to let her in to my life when things are so messy around me? Or it could be a bit of everything? Don't know.

Anyway, tonight's gonna be one of the many first's for me, tonights' gonna be the first night for as long as I could remember when I will be watching a movie at a theater with my family, not the whole family, only 6 of us, but that's still good enough. =)

Spending time with family is one of the many essentials in life.

Cheers,
ahtiow

2009-12-18T20:13:00.000-08:00

Before this, whenever people I see someone who is sick, and people around him tells me how different he was then, I could only imagine. Seeing my brother in law, after 38 times of chemo, not being able to eat or drink for almost 2 months now, lets me see for the first time, just how different a person can be when sick.

Putting the physical differences aside, you can only barely get some glimpse of the person that he used to be now. His eyes are so tired and full of pain now, and at the same time, the look of helplessness. Doesn’t matter how close we are to him, how painful we think he is now, how much we wanted him to be better, only he could grasp the pain that he is in now. We can only sympathise and wait.

Before this, when they told me he didn’t want to eat, I told them to force him to eat cause he need the strength to go through his chemos, and the fact that he almost didn’t eat or drink for almost 2 months now is too worrying, but his eyes tells me that didn’t want things to be that way either.

Try as much as I can, I can only try to imagine how it is like when the simplest act of everyday life of eating and drinking, even when its just plain porridge and water, has become another rounds of daily agonies that he has to go through.
Now , I see, and I could only see, and he is going through all that.

ahtiow

edit: Was walking to the living room from the toilet after I wrote this entry, and he was walking towards the toilet, was stunned by the sight of him and I cant recognise him at all. Like a total stranger who doesnt belong here. =(

A question

2009-12-12T16:55:00.000-08:00

A question: When something went wrong at work, do you try to find out what went wrong and who was supposed to be the last one to check whether it was working or do you start to think who might be sabotaging the thing?

If your colleague’s first reaction was to get suspicious and start thinking who is the bugger who tries to sabotage the system, what does that tells you of this colleague of you? Can you still be as friendly and talk openly to him as friend as you have always done?

I don't know. Guess I don't wanna know too.

ahtiow

ahtiow is aging.

2009-12-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

ahtiow is aging. Yes.

Zouk Out and Siloso Beach Party is happening within the next 2 weeks and both are literally less than 5 minutes walk from my workplace. Yet, I didnt go.

This thought struck me when I was struggling to keep my eyes open in the vet lab checking emails, and there he was, my colleague, a father of 2 kids, blasting away on youtube checking out the DJ lineup for tonight's Zouk Out and calling his fellow partygoers discussing which DJs to look out for.

That prompted me to flashback to when was the last time I went clubbing and lo and behold! It was like somewhere in the 1st year or 2nd year of my uni time. That was like at least 4 or 5 years ago! OMFG!! Am I old or am I aging?! hahahhahahah!!

Anyway, dont care. Booo!!! I started music with rock and a rocker I shall remain .....=P

Techno, house, hip hop was once and over with =)

Rock on!!
ahtiow

What would you do?

2009-12-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

What would you do when the fireworks bursts in full colours and glory and excitement and full of 'ooohhhhhs.......and aaaahhhhhhhhs........'?

Would you hold your loved one or would you try to make the shot a perfect one ?

Can I do both ? =P

ahtiow

Dominic Rouse: Photographer/Fine Arts Artist

2009-11-28T18:13:00.000-08:00

I like this artist, Dominic Rouse www.dominicrouse.com. He creates provocative arts by combining photography and fine arts to deliver some very provoking images.

"...though I believe that the constant pursuit of happiness is a form of sadness in itself"

Was captivated by this phrase, it flashes some images of the sophisticated brand-name-worshippers who are in constant chase of the latest, trendiest, luxuriest, bling-est, and whatever whatnots whom in my opinion, does all these to be happy themselves. Does all these superficial stuff brings happiness to them through the recognition of their social status? Or do they feel that they fit in better? Or is it some form of self-gratification of the hard work done?

Most of us might have, in some points of our life, feels the excitement and satisfaction on par with those that I described above when we have finally bought the coveted stuff that we wanted to buy for so long, be it a handbag, a car, a holiday, gadgets, etc. And most probably, in the process of it, from the seeing of the stuff, to the itching to buy, to the contemplation, the holding back, the saving up and the eventual purchase, we might have somehow asks "Do I need this?". Though sometimes it could be easier if we could asks "How bad do I want this?". Cause in the end of the day, for me, self-justifications are the best answers to ourselves.

"The perfect prison is the one in which the inmates have been convinced that really they are free. Society is such a confinement: the result of a binding contract made unwittingly between government and governed.............The guardians of society are troubled by their own shallows; the fears they have of others are the fears they have about themselves cunningly repackaged to increase their market appeal.........to see the light we must first acknowledge that we are in the dark. Work which displays most accurately the deepest recesses of the human soul will, by default, display some rather unpleasant aspects of it............Art is not made by men and women who are wise, but by those in search of wisdom and to search at all is wisdom enough. Knowledge of oneself is the most that we can know.

And saying so means nothing to some, and to some, it leaves nothing to be said"

Good health, my friends
ahtiow

ahtiow's new theme song

2009-11-21T23:09:00.001-08:00

"Feels Like Home"

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

You said when you listened to this song, it reminds you of me. From now on, this song will be our song.

Home is where the heart belongs.

Love
Me.

Australian's Legends of Creations

2009-11-20T07:57:00.000-08:00

Came across this article on the Australian's folklore on the legend of the creation. Super like this. Sharing it here.

"The expression "dreamtime" most often refers to the "time before time" or "time of creation of all things". The aborigines of Australia believe that a "great spirit" came to earth in physical forms and created - or "dreamed up" - the material world we know today.

As the story goes, the "great spirit" dreamed up the elements - fire, wind, rain, earth, sky, land and sea- and then passed the "dreaming" on to individual creator spirits to shape the Earth's details. The last to receive the "dreaming" was man. He saw the works of creation and knew, through the "dreaming", that he had to keep these secrets safe and pass them on to his children.

The "great spirit" was satisfied, and entered the land to rest, making the lands sacred and appointing man as its caretaker. The aboriginal idea of "dreaming" sums up how knowledge about the Earth is taught. It passes the responsibility of Earth's stewardship on to the next generation.

- excerpt from Asian Geographic, Asia Without Borders - Green Edition

Thanks, for being you.

2009-11-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

You were crying just like a baby this morning when your parents left Bangkok and you woke up to the silence of the hotel room. They have to leave a day earlier, you said you can understand but you cant accept it. I believe that they can accept and understand that if possible, you would like to spend more time with them. The sound of your cry, with some of your laughters and chokes when I tried to make you laugh with some jokes and stupid remarks , are one of the sweetest and comforting sound to hear. I don’t know why, it could be the real inner you that emanates from your cries and your laughters, it could be the love of your family that shows through your dissapointment of their leaving a day earlier than planned, it could the dependency on me for a shoulder to cry on, …..what I do know is: This is you. This is the one I love. No disguise, all true, as true can be. And I love you for that.

Thanks, for being you.

Hugs,
Me.

Another one of my all time fav

2009-11-02T22:07:00.000-08:00

I will be looking forward to the day when me and my wife, sitting at the balcony, looking out at the driveway, waiting for our kids to be back home for our reunion dinner, with this song playing in the background.........

年轻求得圆满随着岁月走散
忍不住回头看剩下的只是片段
生命不断转弯起起落落变成习惯
爱情像是考验从不承诺永远
这些年像陀螺一样旋转
爱恨都变得无关
过去的风雨留给别人评断
无愧了一切都平淡
是有一点遗憾幸福没有答案
付出不能计算谁能够抚平背叛
不必再去感叹要笑着把眼泪擦干
夜晚是个难关寂寞需要勇敢
影子不会孤单手心还有温暖
在心里的缺口让时间去填满

-蔡琴 - 缺口

Cheers
ahtiow

A war for corporate glory. Re-told as a fairy story.

2009-10-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

Come down, slowly. Hotel lobby. Our lives are counterfeit if we don't lay down. I should be used to it, but I'm losing my strength now. Come a time when this darkness will end. A war for corporate glory. Re-told as a fairy story. Come a time when this darkness will end. I got enough respite to keep on trying. I got enough respite to keep from crying. Come a time when this darkness will end. We should be used to it. Our lives are counterfeit. So let's get back to earth and make the best of it.
We should be used to it
Our lives are counterfeit. So let's get back to earth and make the best of it.We should be used to it.
Our lives are counterfeit. So let's get back to earth and make the best of it.We should be used to it.
Our lives are counterfeit. So let's get back to earth and make the best of it.
- Starsailor, Counterfeit Lives

Fucked. Fuck the fucking fucks.

2.0.0.9.

2009-10-24T23:49:00.000-07:00

The year 2009 is coming to an end. Theres only slightly more than a month to go before we step in to the second decade of the year 2000.

Some of the few things that happened this year include:
-put an official end to my first love that lasted for 9 yrs ; was hard at the beginning, got through it and came out still being me =)

- 'The Chopas' was unofficially formed around March (after Carlos' and mine joint birthday party) and unofficially dissolved with the relocating of Carlos to Dubai. He started this Chopa group (by the way, some of you may be wondering what does the Chopa means. Its just a bunch of fun loving wackos from my workplace who meet up regularly for movies, dinners, outings, shootings, beers, etc. And 'chopa' actually is a Philipino word meaning blow job. So yeah, we have been going around calling each other BlowJobs. Chopa Ken, Chopa Lee, Chopa King, Chopa MingLi translates to BlowJob Ken, BlowJob Lee, BlowJob King, BlowJob MingLi....yeah, we were so tight and merry together =)

-my brother in law was diagnosed with 4th stage cancer, around the same time when my 2nd sister tried to kill herself for the I-lost-count-how-many-times. It was such a hard time for the whole family. We got through it together and things are turning for the better now. My brother in law is going through the treatment so well and my sister has took a turn for the much better this time. Hope things will just stay going towards the better from here on now =)

- new buddies found this year: Ming Li, Jayce, Danielle, Sheril, Seow Li (yeah, all girls.....dont ask me why, I'm just better with girls)

- gadgets bought this year: Baby Monster (Fuji S5Pro), CherryBerry (Blackberry Bold), Macky (MacBook Pro). Yeah, this year has been gadget shopping year for me, all 3 most essential gadgets for ahtiow, all bought within a year, I think of them as 'essential investments for a better everyday life' =P

- in love with 马丽燕， not much information can be shared here. She will kill me. Literally. Ok. Stop.

- most recent: seems like my brother is slowly going into depression for his failed business from the economy constraints recently. Note to self: Try to call him more often to talk. Even we have not been able to talk comfortably with each other since as long as I can remember. It could be the age gap between us. Yet now, we should be doing something to make up for the lost time.

- things to look forward to before the year end: BONUS!!!! Pls............make my target 1 mth backpacking trip to India next year a reality!!!!!

till then,
adios and tata!

ahtiow

E vs R

2009-10-10T06:25:00.000-07:00

Was watching 500 Days of Summer with YY today. It is my second time watching the movie in this week. I love that movie! I managed to persuade YY to watch this movie despite the fact that she was initially not interested to watch this movie thinking it is another one of those girlish love story. Many people would think this movie is a love story. It is not. Glad that we watched this movie together and I enjoyed the discussion that we had after the movie. Good movies should end with a little discussion about the movie from one of your best buds =) YY is one of my best buds whom I can talk to openly about anything and everything, since schooling time. Glad that we are this close after so many years =)

The scene that that I like most from the movie is the scene where Tom was invited by Summer to her party. This was after they broke up. It was Summer's engagement party, Tom didn't know it.

The scenes started with Tom happily walking towards Summer's apartment, with the narrator saying something like this:
Tom was thinking that tonight reality will run parallel to expectations.

Then the scenes that followed were divided in half, Expectations on the left and Reality on the right. Tried as I had, I paid more attention to the right side of the screen. As I watched it for a second time, I was able to pay a little more attention to the left side, yet, the right still got more of my attention, as you can see if you watch the movie, eventually, the right side took over the left, ie. , Reality took over Expectations. Just how much do we want reality to be parallel to expectations? We could do many things to make expectations realities, but how often does this happens?

Fairy tales are beautiful, as are flowers in spring.Then it's summer, autumn, and winter.

We've been living live in a bubble - High Speed by Coldplay

Cheers,
ahtiow

Significant Indifference

2009-10-10T06:23:00.000-07:00

There's times when we just gotta leave things as they are, even when at the other end, the perception was for you to do something.
Sometimes, it takes more to do nothing than to do as expected. It's not always bad to be indifferent, as long as the indifference is a significant indifference.

Cheers
ahtiow

Simply sweet

2009-10-06T08:10:00.000-07:00

Her: How come when I came over before this your brother in law wasnt here?
Me: He have cancer, he was back in Malaysia for his treatment.
Her: Oh.......

By now, you can see the change in her mood, from the cheery bubbly foodie who was happily finishing mom's assam fish to a person troubled by another one of the many things happening that she hope will not happen to anyone. Then I changed the topic.

It was when we were about to leave the house, she suddenly turned back and went inside the house again to tell my brother in law "你要保重身体啊＝）“ （You must take care of your health, ok =)

Simple gestures that means so much, we could all use more of these little gestures of sweetness from time to time.....=)

Cheers
ahtiow

Thoughts of a waterbaby

2009-10-04T03:02:00.001-07:00

Have you tried to see the world above from the bottom of the sea? With a clear yet ripply view of the world above the water, apart from the ripples caused by the wind and the water movements, your bubbles creates additional waves after waves of ripples going up from where you are? I did. And liked it that I do that from time to time. Even when I'm not diving in the sea, I can still do it in the fish tank.

There is always a sense of calmness enveloping me whenever I do that. That sense of calmness is different from others. You need to do some balancing to stay on the bottom looking up, you breath in harder than usual, hence making each breaths shorter, and when that happens, and only when that happens, you can literally feel the pressure of the water on your chest, yet, I stayed for sometime mostly, just to be enveloped by that differentness.

Oh, by the way, if there is sun or moon or lights from above, the view from below is simply beautiful. The light is blurred, it moves from side to side with the ripples, yet when things settles you will just know that it will still be there. Always.

Still bubbling
ahtiow

Girls.Insecurity

2009-10-03T22:46:00.000-07:00

Girls and their sense of insecurity are inseparable aren't they?

Bollocks.
ahtiow

One of the best song ever written

2009-09-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

風雨過後不一定有美好的天空　不是天晴就會有彩虹
所以你一臉無辜　不代表你懵懂
不是所有感情都會有始有終　孤獨盡頭不一定惶恐
可生命總免不了　最初的一陣痛

但願你的眼睛　只看得到笑容
但願你流下每一滴淚　都讓人感動
但願你以後每一個夢　不會一場空

天上人間　如果真值得歌頌
也是因為有你　才會變得鬧哄哄
天大地大　世界比你想像中朦朧
我不忍心再欺哄　但願你聽得懂

但願你會懂　該何去何從
－人间，王非

Lethargic

2009-09-29T16:40:00.000-07:00

Lethargic, of ppl, mostly. numb. fuck.

Chronicle of a Dick and a Bitch

2009-09-20T18:15:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: The following are excerpts from an actual texting session between a dick and a bitch that went on a few days ago.

The Dick: I hate myself for being hooked back on coffee
The Bitch: I tot wat.....dun hate urself early in d morning! Mon blues is not applicable today....coffee is gd...it makes u happy....just like how I make u happy. Wahahahahah!!!
The Dick: It's kinda like loving someone crazily. It’s the first thing you think of in the morning to get you started for the day, you crave for it at noon time when you are having a break from the morning’s works, yet, you still need it in the evening after a hard day of work, even though you know it may keep you up all night. Sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s bitter, sometimes it’s strong, sometimes it’s bland, all in all, it gets your heart pumping. It’s tiring to be hooked on it and tiring not to be hooked on it.
The Bitch: Then ah....bathe wiv coffee lor. u can have it all over u then =P you see la, guys r damn 犯贱 (likes to be tortured) one. kenot have make noise, have it also make noise. its all down to one word. Possessive!
The Dick: So wat if us guys are 犯贱 or possessive.....you cant deny that we perks things up for u girls. So, appreciate us dicks and treat us better!
The Bitch: la la la.......making us hapy, not appreciated, but still dying to continue beind d clown is part of the 犯贱 process. lol! u guys wont be happy when we start to appreciate =P
The Dick: Bitches!!! Blergggghhhhhh!!!!!

Aren't we all bitches and dicks?

dog-tired

2009-09-14T09:55:00.001-07:00

dog-tired
adj
extremely tired; worn out

As usual, been wanting to write for days, but as usual, can't write. Work's been tiring. Boss left with a day's notice to us, resignation tendered a month earlier but kept the news till the second last day. Was supposed to be for the team's morale reason. Don't agree. Not at all. Director has been awkwardly nice when he announced the news, I felt uncomfortably strange. Come what may! The vet is leaving soon too, she has always been the brave one, knew this will be for the much better =)

Cant see where I'm heading after my stint here. And it's an awful feeling to be not seeing the road ahead. A restaurant at a small town with happy nice folks who are more friends to me than customers sounds and looks sweet. But ......................yes, there's always gotta be a 'but'. Oh well.........

I need to travel! So so so so much!!!!!

I should have called.

2009-09-08T04:47:00.000-07:00

When there's a nudging in you that says "Maybe I should give a call to ..........." then, it is sensible for you to make that call and say that "Hello, how ya doing".

When there's a thought in you that says "I should've replied that email already, it's been days. " then, stop procrastinating and reply that email. End it with 'Hugs/Lotsa Love/xoxo'

When you think you should've gone for a family vacation then its not too early to start looking at the calendar and start planning.

Cause you don't know if the other person(s) is thinking the same. You may not know whether the small little gesture is what counts most to get him/her out of the hell that he /she was in. There's so many other you don't know's and what if's that may go unanswered if we don't start doing it. There's almost always no harms in doing all these if we still care.

What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore
It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it. Mary Jane - Alanis Morissette

The Cove

2009-09-06T01:31:00.000-07:00

"If you are going to watch The Cove, there's a scene that almost made me cry. Try guessing which scene it was then tell me ok? "
- This was an sms I sent out to a few of my close buddies. So far, Mingli got the scene right.

It is such an inspiring movie. I urge anyone who says or regards yourself as animal lovers or cares about the animals/environment, please, watch this movie and spread the words. These kind of movies doesn't come by often and it takes a group of very very determined people who put so much in the line to bring out the truths to us.

The movie made me think so so much. I watched the movie on Thurs, it is Sunday now, been thinking about the movie since then till now. I just knew I gotta blog about the movie and the thoughts that came after movie. It is not easy to blog about this. There's just so many stuff that goes through my mind. SO........if anyone of you who was convinced by my sms-es to watch this movie but yet to watch, pls STOP reading this and plan for a day to watch it, then come back here to read this and share your thoughts about The Cove, after you have watched it. (and by this, I mean you, Sheril and Seow Li)

I've always regards humans as being materialistic. Face it, we are. And by being materialistic I don't mean luxuries, I'm referring to the 'essentials/basic necessities' that all humans should have.. The house that everyone should have, the car, the food, the savings, and so many other essential stuff that we uses everyday, those are some of the many things that we tries of achieve from all our hardworks. Life has been a curse of working and buying since we were born.

Then, what about the materials to feed our souls? The sense of purpose in life (apart from getting that house for the family and paying the mortgage for the next 30-50 years), the firm believe in a cause (again, I am not referring to a house or a car, maybe building a family yes, but still, a house and a car is included in the package, that's where the eternal curse comes in), and the sense of self fulfillment that are not attached to the social norms that were imposed on us.

Work now has been a numbed part of everyday life that I goes through for materialisms. I work to get salary every month, with that salary, I buy stuff that made me happy, cameras, computers, air tickets, meals, get togethers etc. I am an animal lovers, all of you reading this should know that I am. But, frankly, almost none of my working moments can make me shout out "I love my job! I am surrounded by animals everyday!!!" No. It is not the case, was not, guess never will be.

By now, guess it is only sensible to clarify that I am not really against holding wild animals in captivities. I am utterly dead set against unnecessary cruelties towards animals. Killing sharks by the millions every year for the fins that have no nutritional values (and friggin expensive piece of junk), live skinning of animal furs for the mink coats for those rich (or self proclaimed rich brokes), eating a fish that are still alive with 70% of its body immersed in hot boiling oil, all these are unnecessary for our survivals, and yet most of the times people have to work their asses off to pay for all these that brings about unnecessary cruelties against animals.

The general public are just too engrossed in their everyday lives to pay enough attention to other stuff thats happening to the world that we live in. The melting ice caps, the depleting forests, the extinct species, the murky waters in the city that was once blue and clean and edible, the shorter life span of the population, the ever increasing percentage of people who are depressed and the list of the global epidemics brought about by globalisation goes on and on. Talking about globalisation, it appears to me that globalisation means the world are coming together to work more like the way the developed nations have been doing. Cut your trees, build your factories, create jobs, gets the market pumping, send more of your staff abroad, adopt different cultures, get rich, buy stuff. Let me know if anyone of you come across any nations who asks their populations to adopt the lifestyles of the people who leads their lives in moderation.

I've strayed. Now back to animals in captivities.

Like I say, I'm not against it, nor am I endorsing it. I know that if done the right way, keeping animals in captivities could spreads the message out that wildlife are beautiful and should be respected and they are depleting by the day (thats the main reason people pays to watch these animals in captivities, if they abundant everywhere, who would have paid to see them behind glasses?). Blessed are the ones who learnt to love animals through some encounters at the beach or the forests, not in zoo or aquariums or Nat Geo.

It would have worked perfectly if zoos or aquariums do their parts in educating and getting the words out. Rather than including some environmental messages just to cover their asses from those animal lover activists. But sadly, most of the time, the main reason to build these facilities are to sell the admission tickets. It is always an investment in the form of an arm by a successful company. Pure animal lovers and activists are generally poor, mainly caused by the lack of time and efforts directed towards working to get the next bulk of gold. They need some big bosses to build these facilities to employ them.

Questions: How many out there who starts to love the environment caused by nature programs he/she saw on tv when they were kids? How many out there who goes the extra miles for the environments rather than clocking in extra hours for the OTs and commissions? How many out there who are against whale shark in captivities but eats shark fins (sorry, cant help it, this person just came to mind)? How many out there who thinks I am starting to babble away nonsensically?

I should stop and wait to read other's blogs about this movie and the issues.

Oh, by the way, guess I should end this post by giving the answer to the question I posted to start off this entry: Which scene in The Cove that touched me deepest. - It was the last scene where Ric O Barry went it to the meeting venue of the International Whaling Commission with a TV screen strapped to his body showing footages of the mass slaughter of dolphins in Taiji. It was the look of determination, a firm believe in a cause, the drained out look of an old man who have gone through so much working for the dolphins for the last 35 years, the sense of achievement (not an achievement to be joyed over for) for having successfully brings to light the things that were happening in Taiji that has been denied to the public, the hint of remorse of someone who is regarded as someone who almost single-handedly propelled live dolphin shows into a business that it is today, all these can be seen in the minute or so footage at the end of the movie. It touched me so deeply.

Cheers
ahtiow

Sheril Aida aka the Toots!

2009-09-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Here you go Sheril, a blog entry about you as per requested:

Sheril Aida: to put it simply, you are the most girlishly ungirlish girl I ever met so far. Always wanted to tell you that. This is exactly what I feel about you since the first time when we did the shoot with Alisa.

You dont use make up, you listen to rocks, you cant stand still, you sit with your legs crossed, you wear black plastic frame specs, you call the eyelash curler thingy 'The Mass Destruction Machine'!!!!! and you squeal everytime Alisa use 'The Mass Destruction Machine' on you for your photoshoot, you stone endlessly in front of your computer almost every night, you talk loud, too loud sometimes, all these and more makes up the ungirlish part of you.

Now, for the girlish part in you: You go gaga over cheesecakes and chocolates, you squeal with delight when the cheesecakes were made to the perfect taste and textures, you cherish your girlfriends' companies more than anything else, you go crazy over the guy who made you feel that you belonged, you cried repeatedly over him when its over, bet you still do now from time to time, you complains about your fringe while I said that it looks good, you gibbers when you hear a shocking juicy gossip, Backstreet Boys are cool and they will always be, all these and I'm sure so so much more that I have yet to see makes you girlish.

All these, the girlish parts, and the ungirlish parts of you, makes you, simply you. Thanks for the company!

Toots for Toots,
ahtiow

she on her own ............and its killing her.

2009-08-30T10:31:00.001-07:00

she tried to kill herself again. this time its not solely about her husband anymore. this time it was about her. about her being the black sheep. the one who ppl laughs and scoffs at. the one who should have died long time ago.

she dont care for her kids anymore. she said they are big enough to care for themselves. yes, this is because all her kids are not staying with her. even the youngest one who is still studying lives at her god-mom's place which is the opposite row of her own house. she only listened to her son. but when i tried to reach her son, i cant help but thinking that he turned off his phone like what the sister told me. how could he off his phone?! he is the one his mom loved best, the one whom her mom is most proud of! I know it has been a very difficult period for them, what with my sis tried to kill herself repeatedly over the last few months, with things getting worse each time. but still..............families dont give up on family member who is sick ! no. he didnt turned off his phone. there could be no coverage.

she turned to drugs for solace from her low self esteem. her lack of friends makes her believes that those junkies are her true friends. she have family, we are all here for her. but I came to realise tonight that she need not her family, she needs people who understands her, family or friends. she needs an understanding.

she is on a world of her own now. a very delusional place. right wrong true false are all over the place. that place of her is very scary and she is alone there.

aunkia

ahtiow miss blogging

2009-08-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

I miss blogging.

But cant get myself to blog. There were things that I wanted to blog. Ideas. Happenings. Thoughts. But still, cant. Writer's block.

Btw, Stereophonics is a great band! =)

Cheers
ahtiow

Pain

2009-07-31T03:13:00.000-07:00

"Inevitably, all pain is about longing for yesterday - whatever we had before, whatever used to be."........

At the same time, there is another kind of pain: Pain caused by fear of reduced yesterdays to be had with people that we care for.

Yet, we should always be in the know that it should not be how many yesterdays to be had, it should be how good the yesterdays were. Hence, try to make every todays a better yesterdays for the future.

......" But when pain doesn't go away fast enough, we criticize ourselves for not getting over it, for not being strong enough, or even for being vulnerable in the first place." - Letters to Sam: A grandfater's lessons on love, loss, and the gifts of life - Daniel Gottlieb

Pain will come. Its inevitable. Yet still, life moves on. Family and friends eases the journey for us.

hugs
ahtiow

ahtiow reminds.......

2009-07-30T03:22:00.000-07:00

ahtiow hereby reminds all my dear friends: take good care of yourself, live healthtily, be happy, stay positive, know what are should's and what are shouldnt's, always do the right thing, steer yourself away from the bad ones, cherish your friends, care for your family, love and be loved, try to smile at all times, cry if you have to, grieve only to remind yourself how much you cared for the person that you are grieving for, be sad only to tell yourself how much you want things to always be the better, support each other in face of adversity and face it hands in hands, come out of it better than when you were in it and move on, and last but not least, stop once in a while and look around you, see, not just look, act and not just think, embrace life.

Love to all
ahtiow

Numb

2009-07-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

ahtiow is numb with things happening around me. Tired of the way people act and think. Sick of being stuck in the middle of the mess and cant do anything to get anyone out of it.

I'm tired yet its not time to be tired.

Lightning streaks, teary bliss
Slicking on the grease
With company you will see
What this all is meant to be
You will see one day, Im here to stay
Hold your hand to me
We'll find a way

Innocence, garlands burn
All the memories
Transparencies, you will see
What this all is meant to be
You will see one day
I’m here to stay, hold your hand to me
We'll find a way

Close your eyes, snip your lashes
They fall within the ashes
The frosty old feeling, will melt oh so painlessly
Close your eyes, kill the darkness
The shears are in the closet
The muses they pray loud
For your listless journey to me
- Eyelash - Juliet the Orange

numb
ahtiow

Caged behind the Past

2009-07-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes what we think, especially those that we fear, can do so much harm than it has already done to us in the past. Just how many times did we let our past hinders our future? Or sometimes even our present? Regardless of whether we do it knowingly or not, regardless of whether we do it for a reason or no. It just happens. And sometimes, we do know that it is happening. Friends have been telling us not to let it happen, your partner (or the potential ones) has been pleading you not to let it happen, you yourself has been trying to not let it happen, but sometimes it just happens. It just does.

This is my personal view on this: The past has happened and passed. Good or bad, for better or for worse, it has happened. We can’t get back the past and patch up the holes. There will just be other holes popping up somewhere somehow. So, let it pass and move on. It’s only fair, to you, to him, to those who cares. Yes, we can look back at the past and yes, sometimes we do need to look back at the past. But for me, I like to look at the good times that we had, the reasons we were so happy being together, why we were so crazy with each other, the comfort of having someone there, the joy of seeing him/her, the bliss of being in his/her arm, the excitement preceding the things that we planned to do together, the sweetness of 2 beings, so different yet so compatible with each other, for each other. All these happens for reasons. And all reasons are good.

Of course, there are bad times. All relationships will have their bad times. Who are we kidding here? Of course there are! But I tend to leave it at that. I try not to look too much into the bad times. Call me optimist, call me naïve, call me coward. That’s just me. I will look at the past for answers as to why things happen. Not to find faults. I will look at the past to see how I should prevent shits from happening again. Not to indulge in self-pity.

You: You have put up a barrier between you and him. Yes, sometimes you let him go around the barrier to get closer to you, but you are still in a cage behind the barrier. He can still touch you and feel you, but in the end, you are still behind bars of the past. I know you have tried. I know. And it is hard. I didn’t say it will be easy. Even if I say it is easy as 1, 2, 3, you should know better that it is not easy. Yet, it will always be hard if you do not take the first step, your first step. Your past has prevented you from taking the first step. He have taken his step, he is waiting for you at the starting line. Give him a chance. Give yourself a chance. Take the first step toward the starting line. Doesn’t matter how it will turn out to be, as long as you have tried and he have tried, you have both done what’s needed and you shall cherish whatever that you have between you. The end is just a result. The journey is what that counts. Start the journey and let things take its course while you and him work together to steer the course towards a better journey. The end is too far a thing for you to think of now.

Be good to each other. Cherish each other. After all, you both started to get together to be cherished by each other.

每一天都有一些事情將會發生
每段路都有即將要來的旅程
每顆心都有值得期待的成分
每個人都有愛上另一個人的可能

想愛就不能害怕會有傷痕
沒有人完整卻有人能信任
才找到永恆

想到達明天現在就要啟程
只有你能帶我走向未來的旅程
想到達明天現在就要啟程
你能讓我看見黑夜過去
天開始明亮的過程

- 范瑋琪 - 啟程

Cheers
ahtiow

ahtiow & photography

2009-07-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

Was looking at the photos that I printed and put up on the walls in my room. It is always comforting to see those pictures and to be able to connect to those pictures, the people who were in the pictures, the stories behind the pictures, thoughts I had when I first looked at the picture, the thoughts I had after I editted the pictures the way I wanted, everything....

So glad that I took up this hobby. It has gone more than just a hobby for me.

For those of you who helped me along the way for my journey so far, I thank you
For those of you who were with me for those pictures, I thank you
For those of you who gave me ideas for the pictures, I thank you
For those of you who liked my pictures, I thank you
For you being you, I thank you

Ahtiow is grateful for all of this.

Hugs to all
ahtiow

2009-07-05T06:13:00.000-07:00

Was so shagged out today that I totally dozed off on the train after 3 stations and when I realised, I was leaning too close to my right to a lady sitting beside me =P

Then realised that it was raining outside and my tummy was growling! Love rainy days!! Especially when it rains at night and you're off tomorrow! B.L.I.S.S!!!

Was watching the movie and the slideshow video from our Mabul trip last month, just got the full resolution size from Mingli. Oh, how I miss the week we had there! The hangover from this trip is the worst ever I ever had for all my trips. It lasted almost a week! And it was not just me, the others were heavily hungover after the trip too. I even avoided talking to Ken and Shukor the first day I went back to work! That bad!! hahhaa! Well, it's just a retreat and its time to be back to the reality now. Just waiting for the next trip to come! =P

Cant you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside...
But Baby, You hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep ya
From doing what your supposed to
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
I'll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like its the weekend now

And we can pretend it all the time
Can't you see that its just raining
Ain't no need to go outside

But just maybe, hala ka ukulele
Mommy made a baby
Really don't mind the breakfast
Cause you're my little lady
Lady lady love me
Cause I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there's no work outside

And we can pretend it all the time
Can't you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside
Aint no need aint no need Mmmm MMmmm
Cant you see cant you see
Rain all day
And I don't mind.

The telephone is singing, ringing its too early
Don't pick it up
We don't need to,
We got everything we need right here
And everything we need is enough
Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Don't really need to pay attention to the alarm
Wake up slow, yeah wake up slow
You hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep ya
From doing what you're supposed to
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
I'll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like its the weekend now

And we can pretend it all the time
Cant you see that its just raining
Aint no need to go outside
Cant you see cant you see,
You gotta wake up slow Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson

I just love to listen to JJ when its raining like this......

Hugs
ahtiow

Morning fucked / Spectacle of the uglies

2009-07-02T20:43:00.001-07:00

My morning was fucked by an article on the paper.

There has been talks, murmurs and stares from people at work concerning the article.

There's even been jokes bout the case and I heard it being made.

Guess it will be another spectacle of the ugliness of workplace and itch-mouthing to be seen for sometime.

Keeping my fingers crossed that he will not be judged any further than the judicial has judged him and he can blend in again.

Down / Numb
ahtiow

Touched

2009-07-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

Touched

verb
1. moved, stirred
2. to affect with some feeling or emotion

There is a man that I know, he is 50. Single. He met with a girl. She is 28.

We were teasing him with that girl when we were still at across the South China Sea. We still do now. The girl is supposed to come in 2 days time. Plans were made for all to meet up.

Wrong timing as it could be, my friend is down with fever since yesterday. He sent texts to ask us to plan to bring the girl around if he is not able to make it to meet her this weekend. Replied with the usual "No worries/Get well soon/Take care". It was the last text from him that prompted me to write this entry.

He wrote: " Yes, still worry, so near yet so far". This sentence did touched me. He could be for real.

If what we have been teasing him is real, he must be feeling very down now.

Here's to wishing him a speedy recovery and may he be well and happy.

Cheers
ahtiow

Random thoughts fr a wedding

2009-06-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

was at a wedding dinner tonight. It's the first wedding dinner in more than 10 years since my brother's dinner where I just sit there be a guest, not running all over the place taking pictures of people. Heh!

Saw some of the girls who dressed up and happily snapping away with their cams to have memories of how beautiful they were for the night. Observed them and took in as much thoughts as I could while waiting for the dishes to come. Was hungry. hahhaha!!When we dresses up, we feel confident, we will tell ourselves that we are pretty and people will start looking and we will tend to move around confidently and happily. =)Arent humans easy to please?

Then a different side of the reality presented itself to me while I was in the car waiting for the car in front of us to put in his parking coupon (which took some time), a couple was standing by the roadside waiting for their car to be sent by the valet parking guys. The man was babbling away, I cant hear what he was saying, but from his body gestures I believe he's bragging nonsenically to the valet parking guy who was squatting down by the roadside texting on his phone with a ciggie dangling fr his mouth. The man's girlfriend/partner was what caught my attention. She is one of those typical chinese doll type of girl, skinny, porcelain white, blond curly hair, dark mascara etc etc. She was holding the guy's hand while the guy just cant stop moving side to side, up and down while talking. The look on the girl's face was that of a bore. She was carrying a Gucci bag. Cant help but thinking that the girl is not the type who bought the bag herself, it has to be from the man. As bored looking as the girl was, later when they are back to their house/room the girl will still have to serve the guy who is semi drunk.

Cant place myself to think in her position where I have to please an egomaniacal jerk to have branded stuff to try convince ppl and myself that I am a happy person/ that I do belong. Can anyone of you who are reading this put yourself in her situation and try to fathom what's going on in her mind at that moment?

Materialism is overrated.

Cheers
ahtiow

holding / pushing

2009-06-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

yes, theres nothing holding me back now, yet theres sumthing that pushes me away.
this game is tiring......

ahtiow

passion is your strength to believe

2009-06-13T06:55:00.000-07:00

Read Dan's super long entry on her Aust whale-shark sighting trip. Was touched by her super enthusiastic passion for the big blue and her determination to pursue her passion. She is one of the odd ones out, according to the general standard of most people that will probably gives you the stares or ask you the questions when they know of what people like her wanted to do for her future.

It felt all so familiar to read the stuff that she wrote. I was one of the odd ones out. My simple love of the ocean drove me to choose Marine Science as my field of study. There were a few around me that was supportive of the idea back then (its less than the number of fingers on my single hand), but mostly I got the cold water. Could still remember my brother's words to me when I told him of my decision, the incredulity of his tones made me squirmed and swallowed my saliva. I just wanted his acknowledging that I was making a big step out of the comfort zone to pursue something that I like and support me. It's not that I need his acknowlegement to do what I wanted, its just that a simple acknowledgement would have meant so much for me. Writing this down now still could make my heart aches.

Just why so? I wonder. Could it be that I am at times so confused of who I am? where I am? what am I doing? and what for? that a simple acknowledgement will put things into perspective? Do we have to have other people around us to tell us things about ourselves so that we could be sure on ourselves and know what we wants? Aren't we the best judge for ourselves?

Looking back, the uni years were the best years for me so far. For that, I am very grateful for myself for having been there and done that. Of course, there were hard times as well, but I tend to look back on the fun parts cos there are more fun parts than the shitty parts. So, yeah, uni years rocks! =)

And now, turning around, looking at myself now. The things that I do at work now, the people that I work for/with..................dots........well, guess I will try filling in the dots with the following excerpts from conversation that I had for the last few days:

#1:
Lynn: Ei, your director really still eats shark fins ar?
ahtiow: Yes, unfortunately. In fact, I think there's less than 5 ppl in the whole of curatorial team who doesnt.
Lynn: Isn't it a prerequisite to not eat shark fins to work as divers?
ahtiow: well.....theoretically and ideally, yes.

#2:
Curator: How was the interview the other day?
ahtiow: It was as I told you, I was nervous. But it turned out to be ok.
Curator: Speaking of which.....can you try not to voice out your personal views that might contradict with the company's stand...?
ahtiow: I thought one of the company's vision is to educate the public and raise awareness?
Curator: Yes, but.............
..................
Curator: By the way, are you a PR yet?
ahtiow: Applying now, see this form here? Just got the company's stamp.
Curator: Is this your own decision or the company asked you to get your PR?
ahtiow: No, my mom forced me to.

#3:
ahtiow: I cant imagine me have to stand here all day watching all these people harrasing the animals in the touchpool leh....
Lingesh: Well, you just dont say anything and stand here....
Seow Li: See no evil!
ahtiow: I rather I try to control myself to speak no evil!

#4:
Seow Li: I pity the seals have to be brought out here 3 times a day to do the same tricks......
ahtiow: (I just turned and walked off, cant answer her.)

But all whinings aside, the things that makes all this worthwhile are the people that I meet along the way! You people are my pillar of strenghts and my drive to relive and still believe in my passion. You guys know who you are, and in case, you guys need remindings, here goes: (List not in order of appearance or importance)
Lynn, Dr. Ann, Moong, Kit, Nina, Kian Hoe, Dan, Seow Li, Yanyi, Kai Lee, YY, Shukor, Andy, Adam, Seok, Sam, Carlos, David, Ming Lun, Ming Li, Ken, Alvina, Linda, Mark, Stal, Mal, Diane, Helena, Vienna, Eva, Kareem, Jayce, Luo Er, Pei Ling, Alex, Leonard, Jim, Allan, Lex, Yien, Black Rose, ........and I think that's enough for now. Thanks for being there for me when I needed you guys, and hope that my friendship could bring some comfort to you guys as well.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Drive - Incubus

Passion is your strength to believe
ahtiow

"Big Ideas Starts Small / Think Globally, Act Locally"

p/s: I cant decide yet which title to use for this shot. Think Globally, Act Locally came to mind when I first done the editting for this shot. The other title came to mind after a few moments of stare and now I cant decide yet.

slacking

2009-06-10T02:10:00.001-07:00

slack

n.
1. Moving slowly; sluggish: a slack pace.
2. Lacking in activity; not busy: a slack season for the travel business.

chiefly British:
2. A bog; a morass. ( ????? MORASS???!! BOG??!!! sounds so wrong and vulgar! and looked it up. It means this actually:

morass
n.
1. An area of low-lying, soggy ground.
2. Something that hinders, engulfs, or overwhelms phewww!!! =P

hello all! today's post will start off with mp3. Guess this post will apply more to those of us who stay in SG who commute mostly on trains and buses. How often do you change/update your playlist? I need to change all the songs in my mp3 every once in like, say, 2 weeks. 2 reasons: I get bored rather fast after listening to the same order of songs for like 3 times and above, second reason being, ahtiow is still using his mp3 player from 3 years ago that uses an SD card as memory (I have a 512MB card on, and the player is so old it cant read any cards from 1GB and above, I know I know, I should've gotten a pod, just wait til I get my mac first =) Anyway, back to the line after a detour; the playlist I have now has been almost 2 weeks since my sundown marathon run. All of them are alternative rock, punk, grunge, brits and poprock, with some heavy metal and trashcore for the occasional pump of diesel energy. Been listening to the songs for quite frequently lately, reason being was kinda sleepy on the trains most of the time to read and mornings and evenings have been kinda tiring for me for recent weeks. could be the weather. .....up to this point, I realised that I have been ranting on a rather slack topic for the post and I saved the paragraph in draft, thinking why am I writing crap?

Then I came to this conclusion while I was crapping in the toilet just now, (no pun intended,really, sometimes you just drifts off in thinking while crapping, maybe its a way to take ourselves away from the pain and the smell I guess...heck!! sometimes I even bring my phone in to play solitaire. Solitaire!!! of all games!! ) that I have been slacking during my day off and wanted to do something that tells me otherwise. Then realised why should I? It's my day off, it's alright to be slacking! And yeah, here I am, telling you people reading this and myself that I have spent my day off afternoon slacking.

Cheerios guys!
ahtiow

and the wheel goes round and round, bringing you up and pushing you down.....

2009-06-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

The news of the interview travelled fast indeed. found out this morning that the General Manager knew that I said something that I shouldn't have said yesterday. That was still fine, knowing how the people here work. Then bumped into our director, he asked me this:

Director: "Lee Tiow Aun, you dont eat shark fins ar?"
ahtiow: "No, since many years ago. You still eat them?"
Director: "Yes."
ahtiow: "You should stop."

This was when I turned around to walk off, he did the same. He took a step and turned back,
Director:" But I have a different opinion then you"
ahtiow: "Yeah..?"
Director: "I agree with your view that sharks are not as scary as we think. But if we dont eat shark fins, the shark population will grow, and the smaller fishes will be getting lesser."
ahtiow: "That's one of the biggest misconception that everyone have. That's why people dont care so much for the sharks!The shark population has been getting less and less and more and more people can start to afford to eat shark fins "
....We kept this on for a while at which point I cant recall what exactly what we said cause I was kinda pissed and cant believe that those words actually come from him (I think he did said something about people are turning to rays for fins and people should start to farm sharks for fins and how we should be careful not to say something in public that will piss off the restaurant operators)...... What I do recall is this sentence that I said that kinda shut him up: "The sharks has survived for 400 million years, with 3 major extinctions, the dinosaurs and other animals have been wiped out, yet the sharks survived, there must be a reason for the sharks to be here!" ...after which he was mumbling a bit or he did said something which I didnt hear clearly.....and the conversation kinda end with these:
Director: "Yeah, but I still think the theory doesnt hold"
ahtiow: "You can believe your own theory and I have my stand for this matter..... "...after which with a forced small smile I turned and walked away, head spinning, pulse racing and pissed, and above all, utter disbelief.

Well, this kinda sums up the place that I am working at and under whose direction and supervision I am working for now.

Now, for the little bit of good things that happened today, which saved my day, BIG TIME...!! Was conducting a dive with the sharks programme for a non-certified diver, an Indian national. Statistics and previous experiences have told us that Indian nationals are the worst participants a dive guide could ever have. My this participant, I found out later when we hit the water, almost drowned himself in a couple of occasions in his younger days. He is doing this to overcome his fear of drowning. He kept coming out of the water even though everything was fine. Did all I could to distract him from being too conscious of being in the water lest the fear creeps back in, I managed to get him through the dive with minor hiccups here and there. The look of satisfaction and gratitude on his face when he took off his mask after we surfaced was simply priceless.....he thanked me profusely and I kept saying, No problem, welcome, just doing my job, you've done great! , bla bla bla....but deep inside, I am thanking him in return for turning my day around from the crap that happened in the morning.

Tired, a bit sleepy and most of all satisfied to the max after a good dinner,
ahtiow

ahtiow is bitchin'!!

2009-06-01T05:41:00.000-07:00

was interviewed today by one of the internet tv at my workplace today (and if you guys are trying to figure out which programme it was, sorry, i wont tell until i see the actual footage, sorry guys, wanna preserve whatever teeny tiny bit of dignity i still have after today's and sigh....tomorrow's ordeals....) . Think I sucked big time for the interview. I've always known I cant do crap in front of a camera, somemore what with a microphone pointed to me with a videolight. Sigh....if only I could convince my boss that I am not the perfect candidate for the piece.

Anyway, the interview was about how the current recession affects a niche job market as mine i.e. Marine Biologist. It started off quite easily, they sent me 8 easy questions beforehand which were

(1) Why did you choose this job?
I chose this job for the love of marine life. I hope to raise public awareness of the importance and roles of the marine environment and marine life.

(2) What do you like about the job?
I like the fast-paced and exciting environment of our job. I enjoy working with the animals, the team and the general public.

(3) What did you have to study to get here? Was it tough?
I have a degree in Marine Science, from the University of Malaysia, Sabah. It was not tough because I loved what I studied. It was fun actually!

(4) Where can one get a degree in Marine Biology in Singapore?
There is no specific Marine Biology degree in Singapore as yet. There are related modules that can be taken at NUS - eg. Coral Reef Ecology, Life Form & Marine Biology module.

(5) In recession times, how is a niche job like this affected?
We are not affected. Recession or not, the animals will still need to be taken care of.

(6) What other unusual roles are there at Underwater World?
We need to conduct water parameter tests, treatments procedures, dive programmes, and conceptualise new exhibits and ideas, etc.

(7) What are your favourite moments at UWS (in your work)?
My favourite moments are:
- the birth of our baby sharks-leopard sharks with white tips/black tips,
- when we managed to educate the dive programme participants that sharks are not as scary as it was portrayed in some movies.

(8) What are the challenges at work?
The challenges are:
- to keep the water quality in the tanks at their optimum quality for animal health,
- to recognise problems/disease before an actual outbreak and to do something to prevent it,
- to raise public awareness of the importance of marine life.

but the reporters were so freaking efficient that she came up with new questions in response to my answers to the previous questions and I end up talking too much. So much so that I knew when I finished my sentence that those will get deleted by the upper people. I knew I was there to speak on behalf of 'an ideal' Marine Biologist in 'an ideal' working environment. Not to speak my mind and my overly personal grudge against shark finning. I know I know......yada yada......

And tomorrow will be another play to put up for something else, and inevitably, they need 5 persons for the show tomorrow, and once again I am in the list simply because my roster allows me to be available at that particular time when they need 'the extras' for the show........

Vi told me this in reply of my text to her bitching about my day "It's just another job lo...." I know.....It's just another of the workload.....and I also know that sometimes it is better to scream it all out rather than keep it inside....so here I am, bitching like a sissy over trivial stuff. Big deal. Fuck me.

ahtiow

untitled

2009-05-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love

All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture

And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

All that you see is me
All I truly believe
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try

I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

Born to try - Delta Goodrem

reminisced, emo-ed....

2009-05-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

was looking at some photos of us together on my phone. we were so lovely together. so much in love with each other. the way you put your arms around me, the silly poses and expressions you put when you were with me, the closeness of us 2 lovebirds being together on a world of our own, yeah, those were good times and we both moved on from that. the 2 voice recordings you recorded on my phone were so full of fun and love. time is an amazing thing. changes are inevitable. We have both decided to move on and its our responsibility to ourselves now to make things better. Make it the next best thing to happen to both of us after the 'us' in the past.

reminisced, emo-ed, written down the emotions, and now lighter....
ahtiow

Be beautiful.

2009-05-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

was at a malay bridal fashion show last nite. was there from 4pm till 10pm. saw the preparations, the making ups, the table arrangements, the talks by the big shot, the waitings of the models to get their faces drawn, and all the usual hullaballoos of an event such as this. got a lil bored, sat there looking, observing. was wondering what time did the make up artist and the models started to get ready for the night's event? 2pm? 12 noon? or earlier than that? all for the 10 mins of catwalk down a makeshift red carpet with 12 other models. Will all the eyes be on you? or its your own eyes thats on you all the time? being self-concious cos you are supposed to be so?

the thing that struck me to think of all these was: those models are not professional models. neither do I think the make up artist is (who is a friend of my friend who brought me in to document his works). I wouldnt have think this much if these people are pros, being paid to do all these stuff. Those so called models last night were just there for being beautiful and glamorous for the 10 mins and get some nice pictures to show their friends and family and for keepsake. is this really what they need? to be beautiful for a brief period of time? Do we have to dress up 2 hrs earlier for a dinner at a fancy restaurant, being self-concious all the time cos we think we are to be observed by people around our table and those that we walked past? won't they be too busy doing these same things that you are doing to pay enough attention to you? another wonders of things that us humans do.

They'll be making sure you stay amused
They'll fill you up with drugs and booze
Maybe you'll make the evening news

And when you're tripping
over your dreams
They'll keep you down by any means
and by the end of the night
you'll be stifling your screams

Since you became a VIPerson
It's like your problems have all worsened
Your paranoia casts aspersions
On the truths you know

And they'll just put you in the spotlight
And hope that you'll do alright
Or maybe not

Now why do you wanna go
and put starz in their eyes?
Why do you wanna go
and put starz in their eyes?
So why do you wanna go
and put starz in their eyes?
Now why do you wanna go
and put starz in their eyes?

"Starz in Their Eyes" - Just Jack

Cheers
ahtiow

lost

2009-04-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

lost
adj.
1. Unable to find one's way: a lost child.
2.
a. No longer in the possession, care, or control of someone or something
b. No longer in existence; vanished or spent
c. No longer known or practiced: a lost art.
d. Beyond reach, communication, or influence
3. Not used to one's benefit or advantage: a lost opportunity.

been doing some thinking. where do I belong? Singapore? Teluk Intan? Kota? Mabul? or neither? or all? Or should I really need an answer to this? The food that I loved in TI tasted different now, the drinks sucks big time in TI, weather sucks. Cant help wondering where do I fit? How should I fit? I'm kinda lost now. Is it ok to be lost at where I am now?

update on 14.04.2009

2009-04-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

realised it has been almost a month since I updated this blog. well, to put it plainly, the past weeks has been fun. been going out with frens for movies, drinks, outings, and stuff. crazy bunch of wackos. fun loving but yet not crazy type of fun lovers. so its still ok. been spending more than previously, but still manageable.

something happened today, my favorite nephew was involved in a bike accident. fractured his leg. his parents rushed back to hometown to see him. sent a msg to the one person who i could talk to about almost anything and everything, yet didnt get a reply from her. guess she was sleeping. things have been improving since the last few months since we broke up, i have more time for my family, my friends, my photography, and i dont think of her much, and yes, if you are wondering, it doesnt hurt anymore, at least not at much as to think of it as painful.things happened and passed, we move on. and that's what I am doing now. I hope she is too. It is only painful when I see how she still hasnt gotten over it and still hasnt find what she really wants yet. I only did cried once since the official breakup when kit told me that her mum and family misses me and her mum is still worried about me after all these months. yes, i do miss them too. when it comes to time like this, i do miss how easy I could talk to her and i can picture her expessions, her body gestures and how her responses will be if she is here with me tonight.

had a conversation earlier today with dad, he was asking if I have a new girlfriend yet. no, I said. wanna enjoy single life for sometime more before I commit myself again. come to think of it, its not really the reason. reason is I dont know where i'll be going from here and when and how. I've been saying I dont want to stay here for long, but how soon can I leave here? to where exactly? what should I do next ? should I really go back and set up the bridal studio at hometown? somehow, there's still a nagging from my inner self that portraiture photography, especially bridal studio type may not be what i really want to do and can do. yet, its the more convenient way out for me, since my partners have the capital to back me up and I can be back to my family at home and settle at my home where I can really start to treat it as home again after almost 7 years of travelling. I could never treat my room at home as really my own room. it was and still has always been more like a hotel room for me when I am back home during holidays. and I guess its time for me to spend more time with my dad since my family says his memories are slowing down lately. if i am home i can send him to places he want to go rather than he ride his own bike. yet, this whole partnership may not work. guess its only fair that things are not always laid out for you nicely, its you who put all the pieces together and make them work and keep working at them to make sure they still works fine.

I need someone, and yet not anyone.
ahtiow

pathethic

2009-03-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

pathetic

adj.
1. Arousing or capable of arousing sympathetic sadness and compassion
2. distressingly inadequate

Work is but a part of life. It‘s not and it shouldn’t be something that takes the life away from you. Some people take work so seriously that they give up big parts of their everyday life in the works, so much so that at the end of the day, they don’t even stop to question themselves if they are happy with the way things are. There are even people who are so much into their works that all it alters their behavior in front of people, at work, and after work. Just why so, well, the way I look at it, it’s yet another irony of the way things have been running since civilization. Is this part of life? Well, yes and no. Yes for as long as we are still in the system, the system and everything in and around the system will inevitably steer things towards the way of the system as the way of life. No, for its just a small part of life, not life in its all encompassing sense. There’s more things to it than those screwy stuff that’s part and parcels of working life. There should be more hours spent off work than at work, there should be things at work that are connected to our life, not disconnect us from it, there should be friends at work, not foes, colleagues should be our friends even after work, not someone that you dread to even say ‘Good Morning’ to, there shouldn’t be a barrier between people working together, rather there should be bonds that makes us clicks, and the list goes on and on, we all should know what else and we fill in the blanks…..afterall, they do what they do, all we can do is observe and learn and smiles at everything that comes our way.

Live, life.
ahtiow

2009-03-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

A dedication to you

Here's another sunday morning call
You hear your head-a-banging on the door
Slip your shoes on and then out you crawl
Into a day that couldn't give you more
But what for?

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
You take what you want
But you don't get it for free
You need more time
Cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
But i'm not sure if it ever works out right
But it's ok. It's alright

When you're lonely and you start to hear
The little voices in your head at night
You will only sniff away the tears
So you can dance until the morning light
At what price ?

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
You take what you want
But you won't get it for free
You need more time
Cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
But i'm not sure if it ever works out right
But it's ok. It's alright

And in your head do you feel
What you're not supposed to feel
You take what you want
But you won't get it for free
You need more time
Cos your thoughts and words won't last forever more
And i'm not sure if it'll ever, ever, ever work out right
Will it ever, ever, ever work out right?
Cos it never, never, never works out right

No, it will never turn out right, it's only you who makes it right. Be strong, and it will be just fine

Cheers
ahtiow

girl.friend

2009-03-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

*Note: This post has been put up especially for Lynn, cos you are the only one whos not in facebook. Another Starbucks from you ya Lynn?

girl.friend

n.
1. A favored female companion or sweetheart
2. Any female friend

Always has been amazed by just how easy and tender girls can bond with girls. They can hold hands while walking, share a piece of cake, shop for hours, giggle so happily while gossiping, talk on the phone for hours, know each other's shoe and dress sizes.....men are not like that. There's always a barrier between men called 'ego' that prevents men to be close to each other like girls do.....well, we are just so different, men and women.

Pictures posted below are pretty much my thoughts towards this admiration of mine towards the bonding between girls. You girls rocks!!!

Girlfriend:
n. 1. A female friend
....whom you can
talk to while holding hands,
giggle with when gossiping about the guy who's after you
pick a dress that suits her that you yourself will never wear,
share a piece of cake together and.....and share the guilt afterward,
and so on and so forth........

'Smile! Smile!'.........
'Child, all of life's secrets are in a smile.
You're so young, don't always pull a straight face,
you must smile, and even better sometimes be playful!'
Saying this, Master waved at me. I bowed deeply.
-Wei Hui, Marrying Buddha

'.....when good girlfriends get together, time seems to stand still.
We start to giggle, our postures growing more relaxed and our bodies soften like warm
toffee......'

'....we stood there for a while, the two of us, laughing and and hugging, touching,
sizing each other up and trading compliments like "You just seem to get more and more beautiful"

.....and yes,
a girlfriend is someone whom you can buy a pair of identical glasses and wear them and take a picture, that's what girlfriends are,
.....I think........
- ahtiow 11/03/2009

smile

2009-03-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

smile
n.
1. a facial expression characterized by turning up the corners of the mouth; usually shows pleasure or amusement

When I got up to leave, Master struck his staff forcefully on the ground and said in a voice as if reading the sutras: 'Smile! Smile!'
I held back my tears at leaving and up floated a smile, 'Child, all of life's secrets are in a smile. You're so young; don't always keep a straight face. You must smile, and even better sometimes be playful!' Saying this, Master waved at me. I bowed deeply. - Wei Hui, Marrying Buddha

Was reading this on the train, was more to staring at those words rather than actually reading them, I know just how true those words are, somehow, maybe there's too many things that are running around me that my mind blocked me from absorbing these words. So here goes, for all of you who reads this and who can grasp the meaning, as well as a reminder for me when the time comes for me to be able to grasp the true meaning of it. Wonder how long more I can last in this place.......

a gentle reminder

drained

2009-03-06T01:38:00.000-08:00

drained

adj
1. emptied or exhausted

I am so so drained of energy and enthusiasm just being here in this place.....I need to get away from this place soon!

simple

2009-02-23T05:09:00.000-08:00

simple

adj.
1. Having little or no ornamentation; not embellished or adorned:
2. Not involved or complicated; easy

conducted another underwater proposal dive today at work. was a simple proposal, the guy went in to the aquarium to dive first, when the girlfriend come in 10 mins later she will be surprised to see the ugly weird looking guy in scuba mask, regulator, loud colorful wetsuit with the word BARE all over the suit and not forgetting a big tank at the back that happened to be her boyfriend diving in the tank with me, another ugly weird looking guy in scuba mask, regulator, loud colorful wetsuit with the word BARE all over the suit and not forgetting a big tank at the back that happened to be me. 2 more mins passed with the guy posing for pictures for his group of hengdais and jimuis outside. Then he signalled to me to pass the proposal letter to him, laminated and safely tucked in my bcd. and that was it, the girl said yes immediately and everybody present was happy for them too. simple and yet full of thoughts, different and memorable, pure and brave, romantic and yet not so...all in all, all these only matters at where and how you look at it. it could probably be not the ideal way one may dreamed her proposal would come, yet it could be the sweetest thing that's ever happened to the girl, the guy may not be able to propose to her future wife with a wedding ring (he told me that he didnt buy a wedding ring caused by the current economic situation), but he may compensate for this by showering her with all the love and care he could ever provide.....

.......ah....love, its such a simple and complicated thing, sweet and endearing as it could be, yet it could rip you apart and leave you miserable, it could be the thing in life that you anticipate with great expectations and dreads at the same time, all in all, love is all encompassing, we go around it and gets surrounded by it, going round and round, again and again....love and be loved.

love
ahtiow

the kaleidoscopy of life: pick your point of view, color your own picture, be happy and take good care of yourself at all time.....

passion vs work

2009-02-21T05:07:00.000-08:00

passion

n.
a. Boundless enthusiasm

work

n.
normally rhymes with 'duh......'

went to a photo exhibition this afternoon and attended 2 dialogue sessions during the exhibition. One of the speaker brought up an interesting point of how things have changed for him since he have become a commercial photographer. He is so successful with his business that he now concentrate his time and effort into sharing rather than actual shooting (he is very involved in the Singapore Photographer's group on facebook that he updates his page every few hrs). That got me thinking of how things have been for me for my other passion: scuba diving. I started off my diving when I was in uni as part of the co-curricular course and it was something that I have been eagerly anticipating since the first day of our orientation week when our course coordinator told us that we will be getting our subsidised scuba course in 2nd year. After that, I have never been diving till end of second year when I went to Lankayan island for my thesis project. Done about a hundred dives there and a few dives sporadically helping out my course mates with their field works. Then got offered a job in SWV initially as Management Trainee but end up being a Divemaster. So, thinking back of it all, it seems like I kinda screwed up my passion for diving by starting my diving career before I have really enjoyed diving. Not that I dont like diving anymore, it's just that I would have preferred to pay for diving for sometimes first before I get paid to dive.

And now, since I started photography, the same question occurs again. There have been talks with some frens who are interested to venture in the shutter business with me, but I know that I am not ready for that yet, (I have only started photography for less than a year for goodness' sake!) or at least, I dont want to yet. I still want to learn all I can about photography, see which direction I wanna go into and which genre of photography that I would be comfortable with and hoping that along the way, I would have found my own style. And as for now, I am looking to earn some money to 'feed' my dry box with gears that I would need to take the genres of pictures that I am currently interested in. So till, then, along the way, will keep shooting and posting and learning and thinking and babbling......

Cheers
ahtiow

past favorite

you

2009-02-16T15:40:00.000-08:00

you

pron.

1. you being you

...the happy, easy self that you were, is now a lost you. You set off in your search of self discovery and you are head to head with a wall and you can't see clearly the way out of the maze that you are in now. There's not always a way out, it's you who make your way out. There's no specifically which way is the way out, its you who make the way for yourself. Be strong, believe in yourself, take time to rest your mind when you are faced with difficulty rather than be sad and start questioning yourself, know where you are at and what you are doing or should be doing instead of thinking of how easy it was for you back then. Clinging to the past makes you long for things that has passed. Know where you stand now will let you see which ways that you have that's surrounding you. See what you want will set you off in the right direction. Coming out of any path that you chose will still be the person that you are, doesnt matter how hard the journey has been. While you are at it, take good care of yourself, eat healthy, get rest, be happy, be confident, be yourself, and you will come out fine. I know you will.

you. being you.

sleep 2

2009-02-10T23:23:00.000-08:00

sleep

2009-01-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

sleep

n.

1. A natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close and consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli. During sleep the brain in humans and other mammals undergoes a characteristic cycle of brain-wave activity that includes intervals of dreaming

....."state of rest for the mind and body"....how nice and just how much I need it...I love sleeping, its one of the most basic and essential luxury of life. No matter how hard one's day is, granted he can get a good night's sleep, then its a reward for him to have gone through the day and its a way to prepare him for the day to come. It's a necessity, we need it, it's also a luxury, a simple one that in my opinion, everyone deserves. Just how I wish I could really put my mind and my body at ease before I sleep. Its almost always that my body is so tensed that my arms or muscles gets tired after some time if sleep does not come quickly. My mind is almost constantly running, as if on a treadmill, churning out a thousand and one thoughts, just like tonight, there's so many thoughts running through my head that I dragged myself up to write this down in hope that it could take a few thoughts off so that I can fall asleep easier and get a better sleep, but I know, I just know that I will take even longer to sleep after I write this down....sigh~~, I miss sleeping......

night.walk

busted

2009-01-18T15:50:00.000-08:00

busted
adj.

1. out of working order

I think I kind of busted my knee from my runs. Cant even manage short distance runs now. Damn!!! Guess I gotta stop running for sometime now.

Cheers
ahtiow

contradictions

2009-01-05T15:39:00.000-08:00

contradiction
n.

1. Inconsistency; discrepancy.

yes, I could sometimes be such a contradiction to myself, the anti-thesis to my belief, anti-climax to what little climax that I should have had, anti-depressent that doesnt work, the caffeine that tires me out, answering my questions with questions, going against it when I should've agreed to it, nodding when I should be doubting, doing things that I should not be doing, not dealing with matters that I ought to be dealing with, pulling instead of pushing, pushing when I should be embracing, turning when I should be facing, facing when I would be better off not seeing, looking but not seeing, seeing but not believing, holding when I should be releasing, releasing at the wrong places wrong time, I am who I am not am, not am who I am...yes, sometimes I'm like that, but not all the time, aren't you? Aren't we all sometimes such contradictions to ourselves? Oh well, all these just confirms that I am still human =)

And I forget just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it's hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind - Smells like teen spirit - Nirvana

same same but different

war

2008-12-31T05:50:00.000-08:00

war
n.

a. A state of open, armed, often prolonged conflict carried on between nations, states, or parties
b. A condition of active antagonism or contention

.....realised that I stopped reading the news for sometime now. They are all so ugly,....yes, ugly, as ugly as human can be. Wars being waged and fought everywhere. new war, old war, still the same, still as ugly. Politicians are the scums of all the ugliness of the world now. Always hated politicians, just by thinking how can we be under the rules of these scumbags makes me sick and it made me feeling even worse when thinking that my future kids will still be under the games of these fuck-heads. It's these people on the top who are the catalyst for all the fightings, they're the ones who dictates their subordinates to come up with the system to brainwash their people, and as the washing agents goes down lower to the society, it accumulates dirt along the way and when it finally completed its journey down, its downright ugly and dirty. And it is with these false beliefs and blind dedication fueled by hatred that makes wars such a catastrophe.........
.........even at my home now wars are being waged. My mom against my brother backed by his wife's family. Was greeted first thing by the news of another war has been waged when I got home from dinner with a friend. Was sitting on the couch listening to their sides of the story, what has been said against 'our' side from 'their'side,.....this........that.......blah...........blah......blah.........
....blah .....blah .....all-fucking-blahs......more blahs.....Being surrounded by all these, I came to think of how can our family be like this? We used to be so close, all 6 brothers and sisters and my parents living in the same wooden house that we rented for RM 50/mth for as long as I could remember, it was not luxurious, we only had a black and white tv, we had to stand outside our neighbours' house to watch videos, no bikes to ride around with our friends,... But my dad always bought breakfast for us when we wake up, lunch were always ready by the time we came back from school, dinner were still steaming hot when I came back from my playing, we always get to buy those books and uniforms that we need for every new school terms,..... we were poor, but it was luxurious, made luxurious by the simple contentment and closeness of the family. As we grow we became further apart....so far from each other that my brother used to ask when me when I will 'come back to Malaysia' when I was in Sabah, so sad that my mom didnt call my brother to tell him that she was going for an operation to remove her cataract, so heart-breaking when we came to find out that it was the messages that my 2nd sister sent to her friends asking them to take care of themselves that saved her from her suicide attempt and none of us received any message from her......just what can I or anyone in the family do to bring back my mom and my brother and the family to the way they were? My mom adored him and he was always the favorite boy, he used to shower my mom with gifts when he first started working. Had this thought while listening to their 'report of the current state of affair': Could all these riffs that has been going on between them caused, in some twisted and ironic way, by love? Mom being pissed off with him for not sending monthly allowance, him for getting furious cause mom said something that suggested him being over his head with his new big house. Could it be all that they both are seeking are just approvals from each other? He needs approval from my mom that he can do it, own a luxurious house, provide well for his family and thus confirming that my parents has done a great job bringing him up. She needs the simple gesture of him calling her sometimes and providing for her as a gesture of love and gratitude of her love and devotion for him all these years....could this be the cause? Could love causes war? Should love causes wars?

untitled

black christmas

2008-12-25T18:29:00.000-08:00

black christmas
n.
25/12/2008 for ahtiow

Finally, came the day that we were dreading, 25/12/2008, the Black Christmas for me....the day when you will be going off to be with him till new year. It was this day that was the hardest thing that I dreaded. Thinking how can I stand to see you setting off to be with him for Christmas and New Year while me being here at work and go back home to be in the room that used to be our refuge everyday. The room that is full of memories of us talking bout our days, playing games, you singing (offkey and beautifully), our kisses, our lovemakings, your photos on the wall, our art piece that we made ourselves, your dozens of creams, your clothes, your books, , your smell on your clothes, your side of the bed....you....me............us. Yes, the day has come and passed, and it wasnt so hard afterall, instead of breaking down with sadness and hatred, I was overcome with a sense of calmness. It used to be the thoughts of you being with him, holding his hands that unsettled me, now it is the thought of you exploring things that you have always wanted to try that makes me smile. It used to be the thought of you giving me up for him that you have barely known for a week in Bangkok that pisses me off, now its the thought of me getting back my life that I gave up to stay with you that makes me look forward to the days ahead. It used to be "Us" that I always think of, it is now "You" and "Me" that I think of, 2 entities, separated, no longer together, no longer an item..........
Attachments are what makes us suffer and do things that we are not supposed to do, groping for what is sometimes beyond our grips, detachments are what makes us see things as it is and letting go of the burden that we carried on our shoulder without us being able to see it on our reflections on the mirror. It's not so bad afterall....thanks for the lesson. Bless you.....

What if there was no light
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Oooh, that's right
Let's take a break, try to put it aside
Oooh, that's right
I can't ignore it if you won't even try
Oooh, that's right

When every step that you take
Can be your biggest mistake
And it could bend, or it could break
Well that's just the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Oooh, that's right
Let's take a break, try to put it aside
Oooh, that's right
Oooh, that's right What If - Coldplay

.........What if you should decide that you don't want me there by your side, that you don't want me there in your life .......then you would have found your calling and we will both be moving on...........

Us in the past

choices

2008-12-24T17:18:00.000-08:00

choice
n.
1. The act of choosing; selection
2. The best or most preferable part

...been wanting to write for days now. But wasn't able to quite get myself to write down my thoughts. They're so fragmented, in bits and pieces, but yet each bits has its own significance and every pieces has its roles to play. Just like us, living as a single person at a time, and still taking part in the dynamics of the community around us, be it our family, our circle of friends, colleagues, country, continent, world etc etc....the list goes on and on. Just how significant are we or rather, how significant can we be its all up to us and up to others to perceive.
......in our everyday's life, we do things, make choices, give, take, think, do....they're all just parts and parcels of everyday life. How often do we take time to reflect on all these? How often can we see clearly the results of a single choice that we made at certain times in our past that landed us in a specific position that we are now at the present? Just for example, where will I be if I have not chosen to write down studying Marine Science as one of my choice of study? Will I be such a water baby that I am now if not for my best friend, Kian Hoe who introduced me into swimming? Will I have met you, Nina, Lyn, Seok, who I know are one of the few people who reads this? Cause meeting with you guys are what I considered as the direct results of the above 2 examples. And I'm ever so grateful for that!

Was having these thoughts when I was back home at SWV, the 6 of us, with the DMs, boatmen, Yuka and the others, were all having such great fun at the resort. We laughed, we giggled, we shared, we hugged each other like we never hugged before, it was all so fun that I cant stop wondering just why did we have to give these all up? All 7 of us who got in together and left in the period of less than 3 years, aren't some of the things that we had on the island are what people have always wanted? Close friends, island paradise, meeting with new people everyday from all walks of life and all continents of the world, working with different people of different culture, seemingly care free lifestyle.....aren't all these things are just what I needed most at the situation that I am in now in SG? Well, I came to this conclusion...it all boils down to a single word: Choice

......we make choices, choices determines what we do and how things will turn out to be, and still choices are determined by so many factors that were present in our sea of thoughts when we make these choices. Sometimes, these notion of making choices scares the shit outta me, its like we are so vulnerable to making choices and yet we are constantly faced with the need to decide. Wrong decision ? Right decision? What determines wrong and right? Who can tell you what's wrong or right? Who are we to differentiate between wrong from right? Who are we? Who are they? Who are you? What am I babbling now? Do you still follow me? anyway.......for me, it's a norm of life to make decision, just like we gotta eat and we gotta crap. I just need to be aware of the reasons why I decide on what I do at a certain time, I just need to tell myself that it's just the thing that need to be done at the time, that it's the right thing to do at the moment and this will be the best justification for myself. It's the answer that I need to answer to me, myself and none others. I decided on coming to SG, the reasons are strong enough for me to give up all that I had in SWV and I have no regrets. Only memories. So, go on, live life, do what you gotta do, decide on the choices that are presented to you, be aware of what you do and know that whatever we do at the present will be memories in the future. And, yes, be nice to each other and yourself.

Love and hugs - ahtiow

Memories: The present preserved in time

home 2

2008-12-15T09:01:00.000-08:00

home

n.
a. An environment offering security and happiness.
b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.

I'm going home to Sipadan Water Village tomorrow, but my home coming journey will start today, 16th Dec 2008, at 2040 my plane will be landing in Kota Kinabalu, the city I adore most in Malaysia and meet with the girls!! Yes, girls, cos my best butties in KK now just so happen to be gals, Nina, Diane, Helena, Vienna, Yanyi, probably Kai Lee and Seok also. Just how much I miss you girls!!! Then the next morning will take the flight to Tawau, then 1 hour bus ride to Semporna, Kak Rita, hopefully you will be there to meet us! And yes, I wanna buy 'kuo chong'!! Then I will reach home, the 7 Muskeeteers unite!! Additions to the army will be Lynn's army of 30-Japanese-Single-Ladies-Working-in-KL divers, Yuka chan, Amy, Abdul, my photography sifu, Kai Lee, and yes, of course, the Dive Gang: Jimmy, Allan, Ron, Bobby, Alex "Papa" Ho, Richard, Nick, Andi Scubazoo, Big John, Ah Keat etc etc......We will be tearing down the place!!! Behold the power of the Muskeeteers!!!!! Muahahahahahahahha!!!!!!

From left to right: Helena "Kuds - Kuda", Vienna "Hippo", Charles "Ah Keat's Boyfren", Me "Ah Ben a.k.a. Si Buruk", Nina "Tulang", Diane "Kerbs - Kerbau", Jay "Jay San"..........we're all going home.......

dream vs reality

2008-12-12T15:34:00.000-08:00

dream
n.
1. a state of mind characterized by abstraction and release from reality
2. a fantastic but vain hope "

reality
n.
1. The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence.
2. The state of things as they are or appear to be, rather than as one might wish them to be

"A question.
So what are people supposed to do if they want to avoid a collision (thud!) but still lie in the field, enjoying the clouds drifting by, listening to the grass grow - not thinking, on other words? Sounds hard? Not at all. Logically, it's easy. C'est simple. The answer is dreams. Dreaming on and on. Entering the world of dreams, and never coming out. Living in dreams for the rest of time.
In dreams you don't need to make any distinctions between things. Not at all. Boundaries don't exist. So in dreams there are hardly ever collisions. Even if there are, they don't hurt. Reality is different. Reality bites.
Reality, reality. "

Excerpt from Sputnik Sweetheart - Haruki Murakami

.....been struggling and drifting in and out of dreams and reality. Tried to make things seems like it was before things happened, talked about our days on the dinner table, making jokes to make her laugh while avoiding any topics that may lead to the wounds, watched TV like normal and discussed about thoughts that came to us from the show that we were watching, I did all these and they were fine at times. But all these only served as a veil that covered the mess that were present between us,you could look at other things, not looking at the veil or you could look at the veil and see only the veil, not seeing the troubles beneath the thin veil...... but in the end of the day it all makes me all the more miserable and spent. You could live in a dream, be happy living in the dreamland, ignore the reality while you are in the dreamland. Make a shelter for yourself convincing yourself that everything is fine and they will be just as fine tomorrow and be sad and miserable cause inevitably, you will still have to face the reality, especially during the hour when you are supposed to be sleeping, with no one talking in the room, your eyes closed, she on her side of the bed, you on your side of the bed, backs to each other's, and thinking of the happy moments that you had during the day, the laughter you shared over dinner, and then as always, you will inevitably realise that all these are just illusions and the heartache is ever so painful and you are faced again with the choice of either choosing to rethink about the situation you are in now or continue to immerse yourself in the dream.......
......OR, You could choose to face reality and stop dreaming. Face the harsh truth of the reality and ignore the beauty and bliss of staying in dreamland, bite your way through the hardway and come out tall and strong...leave the Dreamer behind, chase the Time ahead of you, run alongside Reality and face the Pain. I chose the latter.

....she once told me this: "He is my escape, and you are my sanctuary", Interpretation #1: She just wanted some space to breathe on her own, to explore on her own....she might realise afterall that I am still here for her....that she really belongs to be with me in the end....that she's the most comfortable to be with me..... just how very convenient for me to think that way, its a dreaming way of thinking, a deceit, a hide from reality. I used to believe that and stood by her....

Interpretation #2: Yes, I was the sanctuary, a shelter for her to get all the love she need, to be taken care of the way she wanted it, a lover to shower her with all the love and attention she needed to be happy....till now, till now that she met him, someone who she likes and who like her as well, she have found her escape now, an escape that she always yearned for deep inside but hasn't come across till now. She used to love me much, I know that. I know just how devoted she can be when she's in love, that is why I can see the same devotion from here, just that it has been shifted to him, not me anymore. I have experienced her love first hand, I can recognise her love that is for him now. Its the only justification for her giving me up now for all that we were. Afterall, we have worked our ways through 9 years to be at where we were, to be able to know each other more than we know ourselves, to be able to know what we were both thinking with just an eye contact, to be able to finish each other's sentences, to be able to adapt our lifestyle to each other's and be comfortable with it.....we have lost all these and each other....It's over,I have said my goodbye, have you said yours? You should already, its over anyway, the sanctuary has been torn down. The sanctuary has served its purpose and ran it's course, the sanctuary shall remain just as memories now....

"And standin' here watchin' you drive away
We were so grown up about it all
But how will it look in the light of day?
I miss you already but don't turn around
It's funny how you know when it just won't work
And how letting go can echo the sweetest sound

Beautiful goodbye,baby goodbye
I enjoyed the ride,we really had us a time
It's a strange kind of high
A beautiful goodbye

So ironic,and so confusing
To do the right thing and be losing
I'm always stuck with choosing
And ain't that just like life?" - Beautiful Goodbye - Jennifer Hanson

Just how so very true.......

It was good while it lasted, it's time to bite the bitter pill now.
ahtiow

theme song

2008-12-09T18:57:00.000-08:00

theme song
n.
a melody that recurs and comes to represent a musical play or movie

This is the song that recurs in my everyday life now, be it when I'm working on my laptop or on my mp3 on the train or a hum in my head when I'm working or just slacking around. And yes, its the same song that you hear on the background when you are reading this.

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
Mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Yes, I'm picking up the pieces and moving on. Love to all....

the rain is over......

bad dream

2008-12-06T03:14:00.000-08:00

bad dream
n.

1. A dream arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress.
2. An event or experience that is intensely distressing.

...it is a dream in where I was supposed to be on a vacation to my favorite place with 'the substitute'. the favorite place was kinda like a second home to me, with 'the gang' still there. 'the gang' is the group of people who shared the same passsion with me, who gone through two exciting and fulfilling phases of life together with me....upon reaching there, I excitedly got off the boat with 'the sub', happily greeted 'the gang' there, but things start to get weird when 'the gang' just greeted back half-enthusiastically and carried on with whatever that they were doing. things start to feel not right when you walk around greeting other people and get the same indifferent stare from them. and things start to look clear to you that you dont belong there when 'the sub' joined 'the gang' and they clicked right away and I got deserted....walked around the place trying to take some pictures of a festival going on there, but everything just seems to not feel right....walked around aimlessly.......then came to realisation that I may not get 'the sub' and me out in time as there will be no more boats going out. tried hard and managed to find a boat out but it makes no difference whatsoever to 'the sub' as she is now belonging to 'the gang'......it was as if they have always been together, just me who does not fit in.......the dream continued with me having made it out to mainland alone but just continued to walk around aimlessly thinking just how pathetic I am and just how alone I am....... woke up with a jerk and stayed on the bed for a few minutes to gather back my thoughts.......it was such a bad dream, made worse with the fact that this dream was made during my afternoon nap on a day off...........was it a sign?...was it a result of the stress? ......was it created from all my endless thinking?......i dont know, I just know it was such a bad dream....

heartache

2008-12-02T01:55:00.000-08:00

heart·ache (härtk)
n.
Emotional anguish; sorrow.

....its the state of mind of someone who has lost something dear to him.....its the painful throbbing of the heart where it constantly reminds you that you are supposed to be sad, and you are inevitably reminded of why exactly you are supposed to be sad and end up being pulled into the abyss for the countless times...yet the pain doesnt eases with each visit to the abyss. it sucks big time.......yes, you know you have to go through with it, things will get better, there's no other way around it....but still one can be tough and be strong at times, and weak and helpless at times as well, and when its the time when I feel this way, it makes me hate it that I still have to work, still need to face people and talk to them, makes me hate to think how would those that matters will think and tell you when they know of what happens.....heartache is when you pressed the 'send' button on your phone to send a text message to her asking her to move out as soon as she could because you cant take the pain anymore and so that you can move on after you have tried so hard for so long to cling to it and tried to mend things but failed miserably.... heartache is a realisation, after you imagined that things will get better and it can, that things can be back to before the worst happened and both of you can still be together happy, its a realisation that its not gonna happen this way, that you cant turn back the hands of time and you cant redirect a changed heart back to you.....its a realisation that its time to let go.......knowing that letting it go means it will takes away all that you have been working for all these while, letting go means you have lost the reason to be home immediately after work, letting go means you are no longer needed so badly when you are away to make a person happy, letting go means the weekend is not so much to look forward to anymore, letting go means you have lost the heart melting look that you get when she smiles at you on the sight of you entering the room when you get back home......i've lost all these now....and more...
......

home

2008-11-26T05:09:00.000-08:00

home

n.
1. A place where one lives; a residence.
2. The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.
3. A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.
4.
a. An environment offering security and happiness.
b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.

.....4a is my idea of home. a place where you feel at ease, protected, where you can be yourself and happy and everybody can be themselves and be happy and feel exactly just like you........it could be a house and it could also be a person. when you're there you feel that all the hardwork of the day is not really that hard at all, all the hardship you endured is all worth it, the time spent standing uncomfortably in the train is only hard cos its so near to home yet it feels so far....just a simple smile from that home-person is enough to payback for the time you waited to be home, a simple hug will be enough to overcome the hardship endured during the day, a kiss will last you enough for whatever thats to come before you get back home the next day...........yes, that's home for me....simple, full of love, brimming with hope, all encompassing..........and i'm so far from home now...........